Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Incidental Criminal

He was sleeping when they came to get him. When he opened his eyes, he saw a very large bug putting away what seemed like a complex gun(like those in Men in Black) back in a case. Was he being kidnapped by aliens? He looked around. He seemed to be in his bedroom, only that the room and everything inside it seemed a lot bigger, or was it he who had become small? He looked closely on his handlers; they quite oddly seemed to look like....THUMP !!!
It seemed like an elaborate courthouse, like the ones in Ekta Kapur’s daily soaps. He was sitting handcuffed in a chair. On a pedestal was sitting an old looking bug (looked like a mosquito) surrounded by a host of other “official looking” mosquitoes. The mosquitoes were so big, that he could distinctly see each of their body parts, right from the needle like stinger to suck blood, to the patterns on their wings. How did the mosquitoes get so big? Or was it he who became so small? Hey that seemed familiar. So, he was not in a dream after all, the mosquitoes had shrunk him with that complex gun and brought him here. But why?
Judge: “Order in the court!!!”
“Mr. Payoj Gupta, you have been charged with the killing of 54 mosquitoes including 12 innocent males and 6 young mosquitoes within a space of just three days. Do you have anything to say in your defence?”
PG: “Excuse me sir, but you are a mosquito right?”
Judge: “Yes, mister, you can be sure of that.”
PG: “And you are some sort of a-a judge or something?”
Judge: “Yes, indeed, and now that I think of it, you could perhaps plead being delusional. So, do you plead guilty to the charges levelled against you or not?”
“Okay, I am indeed in a trial. Come on get a hold on yourself !”, he thought to himself.
PG: “I shall plead not guilty, sir, that is, your honour.”
He silently thanked his mother for subjecting him to Ekta Kapur’s soaps for so many years.
Prosecution: “Your honour, the man standing in front of us has been identified by 5 relevant mosquito authorities for going on a rampage, killing away unsuspecting mosquitoes well beyond the “allowable limit”. His crimes being numerous in number and heinous in nature naturally qualify the death sentence by a "female Anopheles" mosquito bite.”
PG: “Your honour, I would like to plead ignorance of laws against killing mosquitoes, and thus, innocence.”
Prosecution: “My lord, it is very clear and anonymously agreed in the human laws that crimes against any animate living being without provocation are punishable under law, and since every human is considered a literate in the human laws, he cannot claim ignorance of laws in this court.”
PG: “But your honour, I didn't kill said mosquitoes without provocation, the act was in self-defence.”
Prosecution: “And what harm pray tell, did you expect the mosquitoes would have caused you?”
PG: “My lord, apart from the physical discomfort and chances of infection in my blood, the emotional trauma and sleep deprivation caused as a result of mosquito bites should be a strong enough motive for me to take preventive measures.”
Judge: “The court agrees with the human’s logic.”
Prosecution: “Your honour, even if we accept the human’s apparent motives on their face value, is it not a bit extreme to kill away all prospective biters instead of perhaps using some other non-violent means? Does this not perhaps show a degree of contempt against the mosquitoes as a species on the human’s part?”
PG: “My Lord, the prosecution is suggesting that I wait for the mosquito, whom I know has a strong likelihood of biting me eventually, to bite me before I attempt to take any corrective measure, which in this case sadly was terminating the threat altogether.”
Prosecution: “But, My Lord, the act of killing male and young mosquitoes who posed no threat whatsoever to the human cannot be vindicated.”
PG: “Your Honour, I am deeply apologetic for killing off innocent mosquitoes while securing my habitat, but in my defence, I couldn't really differentiate between the two as with my eyesight, I can only differentiate mosquitoes from flies, not categorise them with their age and sex.”
Judge:Hmmm...Does the prosecution have any further argument? “
“Okay, then. After much deliberation, the court has reached the conclusion, that even though it was not a deliberate act of commission on the part of the human as far as the mass-killings are concerned, the court cannot simply let the culprit free of all charges. So, as a prerogative for future trials of this nature, and in order to set an example both among the human and mosquito societies, the court orders that this human, Mr. Payoj Gupta, be bitten by the “expert biter mosquito” carrying a diluted protozoa solution multiple times immediately.”
“The court is adjourned. Next case, Rabid Longstring vs the Union of Mosquit.”
He was horrified. It was one thing when they bit him while he was hundreds of times larger than them, but this did not seem right. He closed his eyes as the sinister-looking mosquito approached. He silently laughed at that last thought. Only yesterday, there was nothing like a cheerful mosquito for him, let alone a sinister one. He braced himself for the inevitable.
And it bit.
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“What is that on my hand?”
THUMP
“Ah, another mosquito, I thought I had killed you all last night. “
Checks the Inbox in his mobile. Another bunk.
“All right then, Back to sleep it is !!!”
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Random Mosquito 247: Chief, the convict has eliminated the expert biter.

Chief: Hmmm...Maybe we underestimated the human’s reflexes. We need someone from the special ops in this case...Contact Agent Red alpha 4.

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