Friday, August 7, 2015

Misleading Birthday Wishes

Birthdays bring a smile on all our faces, don't they? Well, by the end of this article, that won't be the case anymore!

A long and happy life, that is the basic idea behind birthday wishes.

Happiness is difficult to quantify unless you are living in Bhutan (which has a Happiness index of its own).

That's not the case with Longevity. That particular bit could be quantified by the number of years one lives.

We all remember this famous song from our childhood days:

Tum Jiyo Hazaron Saal, Saal ke Din Hon Pachas Hazar!

For the benefit of my foreign readers, it is a B'day wish that translates to "May you live a thousand years, and may each of those years have Fifty thousand days"

Perhaps the innocence of a song sung in chorus did not sound alarm bells ringing in our minds. But recently I realized the sinister hidden meaning behind it.

So, one day on my way to office, I came across a giant hoarding congratulating a local politician on the occasion of his Birthday. Beside a smiling picture of the birthday boy was written this same B'day wish with photos of goon-like flunkies and supposed well-wishers adorning the remaining poster cum B'day card.

At first glance, I let it go as just an attempt by this guy's flunkies to aggrandize their leader in front of the general public and in the process keep themselves in his good books.

But as the days passed, this hoarding began to haunt me as I came across it wherever I went. And one fateful day, I realized the sinister meaning behind it and that is what I am about to share with you all.

PART-1: Tum Jiyo Hazaron Saal (May you live a thousand years)

Now let's get it straight, this B'day wish is basically asking for the subject's immortality. Such an eventuality might make this person happy for himself. I mean it does look cool to see the advent of human civilization over the course of an entire millennium!

But there's a catch. Wishing for immortality puts one in the company of notorious fictional villains such as Lord Voldemort, Darth Sidious, Tamraj Kilvish and whatnot! Being a part of such a list is bad for any person's reputation and goodwill among the voters right?

Now I reach the second part of the Birthday wish which makes it even more sinister and makes me wonder whether all these "well-wishers" are really what they seem or secret RSS functionaries out to ruin the poor congressman's life! The second part in fact makes me question the Humanity behind it all!

PART-2: Saal Ke Din Ho Pachas Hazar (May each of those years have 50000 days)

On the face of it, this seems like an instrument to provide a further decisive push for the subject's immortality. I calculated and it comes out to Fifty million days (that's seven zeroes!). In contrast, the lifespan of an average human being is 70 years which turns out to a measly 25550 days.

But being myself, I gave it deeper thought and realized there is a secret message inside that everyone has been ignoring.

I checked Wikipedia and found out that while Uranus, the seventh planet in our solar system has 30000 Earth days in an year, while the eighth planet Neptune takes 60000 Earth days  to complete one revolution around the Sun.

So basically, these back-stabbing gentlemen want our poor fellow to live a near eternal life circling the sun somewhere in the emptiness between two planets far far away from the hustle and bustle of human civilization. But as soon as he finds himself at this location, the vacuum of outer space shall make his body swell and his lungs to explode as a result of the relatively higher blood pressure of 1 atmosphere inside, just before he suffocates himself to death due to a lack of oxygen!

But since these clever people have put the clause of immortality out in the open, this guy shall have to endure great endless pain just as gravity goes about its work.

Being so far away from the dominant pull of the Sun, he will be forced to make a parabolic entry into Neptune's atmosphere which is predominantly filled with Hydrogen and Helium and crash land on a surface composed of crystallized Ammonia and Methane with temperatures ranging to the lows of -150 Degrees Celsius.That doesn't sound like a great place to be spending a thousand years!

So, should this B'day wish come true, the poor man shall live out the rest of his eternal life in obscurity, at the fringes of the solar system gazing at 14 different moons orbiting Neptune and a nearly star like sun.

In conclusion, in all my kindness and foresightedness, I have come up with a more humane wish.

Tum Jiyo "an appropriately suitable number of years", Saal mein din rahein 365, aur Tum roj khao ek Raj Kachori!

That is:

"May you live an appropriately suitable number of years, May the year have just 365 days, and May you get to gorge on a Raj Kachori (a delightful Indian snack) every other day"


Sunday, February 22, 2015

Fightalot Thinkalot Smilealot

Once upon a time, there was a Great kingdom. It was ruled by the honorable and just King Greatalot. The people in his kingdom lived happy, prosperous and peaceful lives.

The king had three sons: Fightalot, Thinkalot and Smilealot.

The king loved all three of his sons equally but as he grew old, he started worrying about who should be his heir. He couldn't decide who could be the better king.

He discussed this issue with his council of ministers, and concluded that the three princes should be tested for their ability to rule. It was decided that each of the three princes would be given 3 months to rule the kingdom. The king and the council of ministers would observe their rule closely and decide on the future heir of the kingdom by the end of the year.

Being the eldest one, the first chance was given to Prince Fighalot.

Now, before we go further into the story, we need to know more about our first candidate. Prince Fighalot was born in the initial years of King Greatalot's reign. His developing years were spent watching his father strategize and ruthlessly fight through scores of battles, winning wars and conquering new territories. Obviously all this had a strong impact on the prince's personality. He grew up to become a fierce fighter and an expert swordsman much admired by the military generals and the Kingdom's armed forces.

So, within three days, the new King Fightalot soured relations with neighboring states. Within three weeks, he decided to mount an attack on one of these states that had otherwise had peaceful relations with our great Kingdom. Fightalot inspired his army of soldiers by taking to the front lines and through his clever strategies. Though he won after 6 weeks of ferocious battle, the kingdom lost a lot of men to the war, attracted thousands of refugees from the defeated state and left the economy in tatters.

The next chance was given to Prince Thinkalot.

Now Prince Thinkalot was brought up during the consolidating years of the kingdom. The King spent most of his time holed up in a room discussing trade and economic policy with his council of ministers. Obviously, this had an impact on the developing prince. He became an introvert, spending his days learning about finances and other policies.

The new King Thinkalot spent most of his days and nights holed up inside the palace. Only a select few ministers and traders were occasionally invited to meetings that would go on for hours and hours on end.  He was as such perceived to be authoritarian king, ruling through a small coterie of advisers, and for all purposes invisible to the people at large.

Even so, by the end of his third month, the economy of the kingdom had started showing strong signs of revival, ambassadors had been sent to neighboring states to placate and reassure them of the king's peaceful stand, and work had been started towards rehabilitation of those affected by the war.

The last contender for the throne was Prince Smilealot.

Prince Smilealot grew up in the years of prosperity. The king had started working on improving relations with neighboring states. There were lots of parties, summits and festivals that were celebrated with gusto throughout the kingdom.

As such King Smilealot became very popular with the general public very fast. Riding high on the strengthened economy left by his predecessor, he lowered the taxes, visited the neighboring states, showered gifts and freebies for all. It was as if there were a party everyday! By the end of his third month, though the economy had started to stagnate, the new king had won over the people and the neighboring kingdoms with his charm.

Even as King Greatalot and his council of ministers began to mull over who should be the next king, Greatalot's health began to deteriorate. Unfortunately, the king died without naming the heir to the Great Kingdom...

A few hours after the King's death, a large fire breathing dragon came out of nowhere, and the entire kingdom was burnt to ashes leaving all its inhabitants dead...



LOL..Just kidding, leave out the "Dragon and the Kingdom burning to ashes" part...

To Be Continued...