Misleading Birthday Wishes

Birthdays bring a smile on all our faces, don't they? Well, by the end of this article, that won't be the case anymore!

A long and happy life, that is the basic idea behind birthday wishes.

Happiness is difficult to quantify unless you are living in Bhutan (which has a Happiness index of its own).

That's not the case with Longevity. That particular bit could be quantified by the number of years one lives.

We all remember this famous song from our childhood days:

                                           

Tum Jiyo Hazaron Saal, Saal ke Din Hon Pachas Hazar!

For the benefit of my foreign readers, it is a B'day wish that translates to "May you live a thousand years, and may each of those years have Fifty thousand days"

Perhaps the innocence of a song sung in chorus did not sound alarm bells ringing in our minds. But recently I realized the sinister hidden meaning behind it.

So, one day on my way to office, I came across a giant hoarding congratulating a local politician on the occasion of his Birthday. Beside a smiling picture of the birthday boy was written this same B'day wish with photos of goon-like flunkies and supposed well-wishers adorning the remaining poster cum B'day card.

At first glance, I let it go as just an attempt by this guy's flunkies to aggrandize their leader in front of the general public and in the process keep themselves in his good books.

But as the days passed, this hoarding began to haunt me as I came across it wherever I went. And one fateful day, I realized the sinister meaning behind it and that is what I am about to share with you all.

PART-1: Tum Jiyo Hazaron Saal (May you live a thousand years)

Now let's get it straight, this B'day wish is basically asking for the subject's immortality. Such an eventuality might make this person happy for himself. I mean it does look cool to see the advent of human civilization over the course of an entire millennium!

But there's a catch. Wishing for immortality puts one in the company of notorious fictional villains such as Lord Voldemort, Darth Sidious, Tamraj Kilvish and whatnot! Being a part of such a list is bad for any person's reputation and goodwill among the voters right?

Now I reach the second part of the Birthday wish which makes it even more sinister and makes me wonder whether all these "well-wishers" are really what they seem or secret RSS functionaries out to ruin the poor congressman's life! The second part in fact makes me question the Humanity behind it all!

PART-2: Saal Ke Din Ho Pachas Hazar (May each of those years have 50000 days)

On the face of it, this seems like an instrument to provide a further decisive push for the subject's immortality. I calculated and it comes out to Fifty million days (that's seven zeroes!). In contrast, the lifespan of an average human being is 70 years which turns out to a measly 25550 days.

But being myself, I gave it deeper thought and realized there is a secret message inside that everyone has been ignoring.

I checked Wikipedia and found out that while Uranus, the seventh planet in our solar system has 30000 Earth days in an year, while the eighth planet Neptune takes 60000 Earth days  to complete one revolution around the Sun.

So basically, these back-stabbing gentlemen want our poor fellow to live a near eternal life circling the sun somewhere in the emptiness between two planets far far away from the hustle and bustle of human civilization. But as soon as he finds himself at this location, the vacuum of outer space shall make his body swell and his lungs to explode as a result of the relatively higher blood pressure of 1 atmosphere inside, just before he suffocates himself to death due to a lack of oxygen!

But since these clever people have put the clause of immortality out in the open, this guy shall have to endure great endless pain just as gravity goes about its work.

Being so far away from the dominant pull of the Sun, he will be forced to make a parabolic entry into Neptune's atmosphere which is predominantly filled with Hydrogen and Helium and crash land on a surface composed of crystallized Ammonia and Methane with temperatures ranging to the lows of -150 Degrees Celsius.That doesn't sound like a great place to be spending a thousand years!

So, should this B'day wish come true, the poor man shall live out the rest of his eternal life in obscurity, at the fringes of the solar system gazing at 14 different moons orbiting Neptune and a nearly star like sun.

In conclusion, in all my kindness and foresightedness, I have come up with a more humane wish.

Tum Jiyo "an appropriately suitable number of years", Saal mein din rahein 365, aur Tum roj khao ek Raj Kachori!

That is:

"May you live an appropriately suitable number of years, May the year have just 365 days, and May you get to gorge on a Raj Kachori (a delightful Indian snack) every other day"

                                                                                                                    

Game of Thrones Memes: Winter is Coming!

We are the Starks of Winterfell, people expect us to be weird. Whatever the conversation, it usually ends when you say "Winter is Coming"!

Making "sense" of humor : It ain't funny

Some people are born funny, others have to work hard to make themselves seem funny to others. Unlike popular perception, I belong to the second category. I have developed this ability after exhaustive observation of people's reactions to various forms of humor.



It may seem to you that I am making unnecessary brouhaha over as light a topic as humor, but the truth is, while it is no rocket science, it is dangerous enough to cause wars. Humor is always at the expense of someone. If not thought through, it may as well be termed bullying. It should thus always be treated with extreme caution. Things can get very ugly, people though they may not express it, do get hurt deep down, so your safest target is your self.




The various nuances of Humor.

Let us see, if I can make you into a harmless funny person in a few simple lessons.



A friend recently asked me to tell a joke. I was at a loss. People should understand that I am just a situational humorist, not a stand-up comedian. The requirements of both are vastly different. While a situational humorist looks for humor in real-time day-to-day life, a comedian has more to deal with the presentation aspect as well as the occasion and decide on the type, length, and flow of the joke. So, the first lesson is, know what you are aiming for. You either memorize excellent jokes and present them or find little funny things in your daily life. Personally, I suck as a comedian.



If you want to be funny or humorous, you first need to be insightful; you need to anticipate what kind of humor works for a particular person, what works universally, and when you start getting good at it, people eventually start finding, rather looking for jokes in whatever you say or do.



Self deprecating humor: Self-criticism is the best and safest bet at humor. However, open-minded your audience may be, nothing serves their egos better than the feeling of apparent domination over anyone (in this case the humorist).

Another thing to be kept in mind with self criticism is that it should almost always be accompanied by a tongue-in-cheek reference to your apparent pride and happiness in said humor. This keeps your humor balanced and avoids reinforcement of your image as an evergreen crybaby.

This logic also holds while making fun at the expense of someone else. He/she should feel a smallest amount of pride from the humor and thus you avoid an extra person carrying a grudge against you.

For example, when I inadvertently tell you how a 7 year old trumped me in a verbal fight, or beat me up, I am not only making fun of myself having lost to a relative toddler, thus fueling your ego (in terms of strength, tact or assertiveness, really depends on the subject), but also, exhibiting maturity and patience, endearing personality traits that are universally appreciated.




Repetition is a very important aspect in humor. It creates a stereotype for the humorist that connects him to the audience by its recall factor. But one should be very careful while using a stereotype. When done rarely, it loses its recall value through which the subject connects with you, and if you fall back on it excessively, it will affect the innovation factor in your humor which will again adversely affect your popularity.




Brand of humor: I personally avoid adult references in my humor, but it really depends on the age group you mostly interact with. It also has to do with the personality that you exhibit. But my view is that, a few subtle references apart, one's "Humor Quotient" should be strong enough that you don't feel the need to fall back on the A-rated.


In a nutshell, I am very good at making very simple things into complex demons with large technical words and seemingly logical intricacies.

No, you picked the wrong nutshell !!!

What I mean to say is that if you are a standard wimp like I used to be, you will be better off as a methodical humorist. Though it is not difficult to be funny otherwise, what I have just illustrated is a safe and proven way. It really is a balancing act and an art. Finally, it is up to you if to you if you end up being rude or downright boring. Until then, enjoy your laughs !!!