The Power He Didn't Have A Freaking Idea Of: Part III

The Media Trial

I guess none of you are stupid enough to believe that I own the Harry Potter franchise, or to take this seriously, or get offended. :D

“Hey, Luna. I have something for you that could make a great piece of news for the Quibbler”.

The photo-coup with Narendra Modi didn’t quite come out like the bang that Hermione expected. Even after 2 days of having received an anonymous owl with a pic of the Dark Lord shaking hands with a muggle, there hadn’t been a single mention of the story in any of the Wizarding newspapers or magazines. Hence, the desperation.

“Okay, thanks Hermione. I shall see if we can put this in Quibbler’s next edition”, said Luna to Hermione taking the photograph.

“But this is BIG news! What more do you want to see?”

“Hermione, you are my friend; But Quibbler has had a long tradition of adhering to the highest of the Journalistic standards. I shall check the veracity of this news, and only after investigating this in detail can I think about taking it to the wizarding world.”

And thus, having duly performed its journalistic duties, it all started with the Quibbler. Though it was way off the mark, reporting about how You Know Who had visited the Indian state of Gujarat apparently looking for a new pet to replace his long-standing reptilian friend Nagini; it did get some attention.

The very next day, Rita Skeeter of The Daily Prophet came out with her latest bid at Investigative Journalism.

                                                              The Daily Prophet

THE DARK LORD GOES GLOBAL

YOU KNOW WHO MEETS MUGGLE DARK LORD

-Rita Skeeter

In an interesting development, You Know Who was reported to have held a meeting with his muggle counterpart in India. Narendra Modi, widely feared in the muggle world for his alleged atrocities was called upon by You Know Who earlier this week. The two Dark Lords are said to have interacted on a range of issues including the possibility of an alliance in the near future.

Our muggle expert tells that this alliance could indeed have far reaching implications for You Know Who, the reigning European Dark Lord.

According to our sources in India, Mr. Modi, a controversial figure in the sub-continent's politics, has been running an enormously successful administration for the past decade and could give a tremendous boost to the Dark Lord’s campaign by funding his activities, which of late have been found lacking in intensity compared to his last stint as Dark Lord.

From her talks with colleagues in India, our correspondent gathers that not unlike You Know Who, Muggle opposition rarely dares speak Mr. Modi's name out loud, almost always talking cryptically in third person while referring to Narendra Modi. Various sources allege (but it has never been verified) that the muggle dark lord single-handedly executed 2000 muggles within a span of three days!)

However, Mr. Modi's fortunes seem to have taken a sharp turn with his economic agenda and near flawless administrative skills at display since the last ten ears.

In the words of our Muggle expert," What Mr. Modi has to deal with are just unsubstantiated allegations, but You Know Who has waged an enduring war on the British Wizarding World, and committed war crimes that are substantiated by documentary evidence. So, it is not the same case. 

You Know Who has until now been seen as more of a terrorist than a political leader. But, if he is able to take a leaf out of Mr. Modi's book, even though he may upset the support of radicals, he might present an alternative governance model that is efficient, effective, reduces unemployment numbers, and is more on substance and less on rhetoric, and this model stands a fair chance compared to that administered by Cornelius Fudge. And this might bring him the swing vote, if he does stand for an election like Mr. Modi."

However, this could also spell trouble for You Know Who. Experts tell us that until now, the Dark Lord has taken great care to ensure that he is seen to be against the muggle way of life; which ensures a steady support from the Wizarding radicals and conservatives. But with the possibility of this new-found muggle alliance along with the rumours circulating around the circuit that the Dark Lord himself is a half-blood (born to a muggle father); his supporters might abandon him, leaving his campaign in a virtual quagmire.

Reacting to this new development, Lucius Malfoy, Chairman of Malfoy Co., well known pure blood rights activist and Dark Lord sympathiser expressed shock and disappointment, over a brief conversation with The Daily Prophet.

“Let me clear one thing. I only support You Know Who’s cause and not his methods. But this indeed is disturbing news. This new development exposes his duplicity. How can the Dark Lord champion for Pure blood rights, when he is seen associating with suspect elements from the Muggle world! Why does he have to associate with a person who is feared by his own people, the muggles themselves? The wizarding community shall not take this lightly and I strongly condemn this alliance.

Moreover, the recent rumours regarding his muggle parentage show that his entire campaign is based on a lie, a falsehood of him being a pure blood, and as such his intentions towards the future of the wizarding world indeed seem suspect.”

It remains to be seen how the events unfold. However, one thing is certain. The entry of Muggle Modi has given a new dimension to the European power struggle, at least the wizarding one.

Early risers at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry would in a few minutes of delivery of the daily owls carrying news, hear a distinct, high-pitched, menacing evil laughter emanating from the Gryffindor table.

Hermione was giddy. Her plan was working. 

The Power He Didn't Have A Freaking Idea Of-Part II

Disclaimer: Its just for laughs folks! And yeah, I have absolutely no rights over Harry Potter, I am just borrowing him from Rowling (without taking permission, of course) to serve my nefarious purposes. In fact, I am going one step ahead and borrow Narendra Modi as well for this article of mine. I hope Rowling and Modi have a large heart, else I am screwed. :D

The Boy Who Lived meets Narendra Modi  (In continuation with The Power of Propaganda)

The trio were shown inside an Air conditioned office with a single large desk. Ron looked on in awe as he saw a plethora of strange devices that would probably give his father a concussion. Hermione stepped forward and said:

“Na-ma-sa-te Mr. Modi. I am Hermione Granger, and these here are my friends Mr. Harry Potter and Mr. Ronald Weasly.

“Hello Mr. Poterji. Welcome to Gujarat.  Me and all the 6 crore Gujaratis sympathise with you for your loss.”

“Ummm..thanks. So, you know about me?”, asked Harry.

“Ah yes, you see, whenever there is a business delegation coming, we try to gain maximum knowledge about their work. So, I set all of my intelligence agencies to get information about your company. It was difficult at first; at one time, we thought it was just a joke; but when we dug deeper, we were quite surprised, a whole magical world! That is very interesting. Nevertheless, I assure you...”

“Mr. Modi, actually we needed your help with something....”, started Hermione.

“No, no, we will talk about your work here later. First of all, let me brief you about what opportunities we offer in terms of business potential. My team has compiled a list of fields where you can invest.”

Now, Ron wasn’t accustomed to the muggle ways, and the boy who lived, being weak at heart almost as much as with his mind were shocked when a large screen lit up in front of them and the Minister started with his presentation.

“Mr. Poter, Gujarat is a major industrial powerhouse. We have a large number of process, petrochemical and pharmaceutical industries. So, there is a vast scope for your potion making industries here in Gujarat, you could easily get the raw material from existing industries, we have an LNG terminal coming up, so fuel won’t be a problem, and we already have plenty of skilled manpower to operate your industries.”

“Apart from that, we have been focussing on bringing more investment into Small and Medium scale industries and with our cheap labor, your sports merchandise industries such as broom stick manufacturers could benefit by shifting to Gujarat. We could open ITIs for developing skilled labor for these industries. Moreover, Gujarat is a power-surplus state, so while we don’t exactly understand how your manufacturing processes work, electricity is readily available, should you require it.”

“The second area is the Education sector. I have been informed about your Hogwarts school of magic, and I would like a branch of your school here in my Gujarat for catering to students from South-east Asia. I would also appreciate it if you could help me get in touch with Shri Dumbildoreji to sign an MOU with our technical universities for research and development at the next Vibrant Gujarat Summit.”

“The third and final area is the Tourism sector. We Gujaratis have been good tourists but we do not figure on the world tourism map. I want to change that. I have been told that a street called Diagon Alley is a major landmark and shopping destination in your world. I would like one in my Gujarat as well. Also, your financial institutions like Gringotts bank would bring more wizards which will generate more tourists and more jobs transforming the local economy. This shall be a win-win situation for all. You get a new market, and we get an increase in economic activity!”

“For this I need contacts from your ministry. Now, I have been told that even though you are just a kid, and let me tell you there seems to be a lot of kids like you nowadays, we have one in Delhi as well; you exert significant influence in your world. We have identified a few individuals that you could perhaps get us in contact with: Shriman Fudge, Shri Scrimgeour, Shrimati Umbridge and Shri Malfoy. I would really appreciate it if you could be Gujarat’s Brand ambassador and help us in marketing the state.”

The screen went blank. The Boy who lived had his mouth hanging open apparently due to the sudden sea of information thrust onto him, even as Ron, being well Ron, was busy gobbling up the Gujarati “snakes” offered to the trio. Hermione, however, was visibly worried.

“So, let us discuss about your business now shall we?", Modi beamed.

“We lied about that business stuff just in order to meet you”, Hermione cut in.

Modi was silent for a few moments.

“Hmmm..I suspected that. What business could a bunch of school kids possibly have here in Gujarat of all the places. Okay, time to come clean; I have loads of other work”.

"We are very sorry, Mr. Modi. But you must understand, our world is facing a huge challenge and we think you can in fact help us out", asked Hrmione.

“Sorry, children, I don’t do charity.” Said a visibly angry Modi.

“But what if Harry could get all of that work done with Dumbledore and Fudge?”,asked a desperate Hermione.

“I could?” asked the still shaken boy in disbelief

“And Malfoyji?, cut in Modi curtly.

“Yes, you could and yes sir, Malfoy as well”, said an uncertain Hermione

“Ah, okay, I am listening. What can I do”? asked Modi, now deeply interested.

“Well, as you already know, we have a Dark Lord, sort of a terrorist, who has been after Harry’s life for quite some time now.”

“So, do you need my bodyguards to protect this boy from him?” asked Modi a bit uncertain.

“No, sir. The thing is...How do I put this delicately, we have seen how anyone who is associated with you seems to lose all credibility and all of his followers...”

“So, we want a photo of you shaking hands with You-know-who which will make him lose all of his followers”, muttered Ron with a full mouth.

“Really smooth, Ron”, said Hermione sarcastically. "But yes, Mr. Modi, that about sums it up."

“And did you think for a second girl, what a photo with a terrorist will do to my credibility?” asked a seething Modi.

“Well, that’s the point. Since, the wizarding world is guarded from the muggle world by the Statue of Secrecy, our Ministry won’t allow any leaks into the muggle world let alone so far away in India.”

“I don’t know. Even if I agree to this, how do you plan to make this happen? Even with all of my commandos, I don’t think it is safe for me going out there and meeting this terrorist.”

“We could get it photo-shopped you know. You won’t even need to meet him”, shouted a boy from the back of the conference room.

Modi glared at the IT support boy.

“Meeting room now!”

After half an hour, Modi came back to meet the trio.

“Mr. Poter I don’t know, ... this doesn’t seem like a good enough deal for me. My entire political career will be at stake”

“Harry could get the next Quidditch World Cup hosted in your state,” muttered a desperate Hermione.

“Get me a photo of your Dark Lord, and you will get the hand-shake in color in one hour, deal done. It was pleasure doing business with you Mr. Pooter”, said a visibly excited Modi as he shook hands with Harry.

On the way out, Harry asked Hermione

“Are you sure your plan is going to work? Because it seems like I have promised way too much for just a photo!”

“Yes, you have indeed Harry”, muttered Hermione.

To be continued...

So, Let us talk about Cows

It is 00:02 at midnight, I have just woken up from sleep; and in this orderly world of darkness, and generally agreed to “Ungodly hour”, it is time to begin The Really Long Cow Debate.

There are 3 kinds of people in this world:

1. Who love cows (enough to worship them)
2. Who hate cows (enough to eat them up)
3. Who don’t feel much about them (These people are kinda lazy and disinterested as far as cows are concerned)

The COW LOVERS

For the people who love them, their hearts beat for the cows and when they see them on the streets in such a dilapidated condition, they cannot hold back their tears.

They feel that the cows, such noble creatures that they are, have the right to live with dignity and consider it the duty of the respective government/Municipal Corporation in power to provide suitable accommodation and means of livelihood for the cows.

.....................................................................

The COW HATERS

The people who hate cows, however, have a different train of thought. Watching a cow on the street drives them mad.

Yours truly has had the fortune of witnessing one such cow-hater chasing a cow on his bike, while beating it with a stick, laughing maniacally as if the purpose of his existence had at last been fulfilled; and the poor creature running for dear life.

Yours truly, in fact, has also been witness to a cow chasing after the same “man on bike”, and the guy (obviously an adrenaline junkie) speeding on for dear life. This incident shows that the feelings of cow-haters are reciprocated by the cows in equal measure.

The COWNIBALS [a different form of cow-haters(as the cows say)]

Then, there are others, let us say “cownibals”, in whose minds the first thing to pop up on seeing a cow on street is Beef, which as yours truly has been told by some concerned cows, makes them feel very uneasy...and the cows insisted that such people be categorized as cow-haters instead of cow-lovers, as in their own words,"Love without soul (the dead cow’s soul, in this case) is lust, and mad lust directed towards another species can be construed as to be some form of hatred."

.......................................................................................................

The AUTHOR STRAYS OFF TOPIC AND GLORIFIES HIMSELF AS A HERO (Yeah, I am sort of mad and restless inside; and yes, I am kind of a hero to the cows)

Now, you may ask, how is it that he can talk to cows and we can’t?

Well, I have an answer to that. You see, I am the Harry Potter of the Dr. Dolittle universe.

On a bright, sunny day (since Dr. Dolittle isn’t your average evil Dark Lord who chooses a dark, rainy night and gloomy and inconvenient site conditions to execute their evil plans), when the evil, dark (I am not being racist here) Dr. Dolittle attacked but failed to eliminate me, all his powers were transferred to me.

Since, they rarely speak, and do so only in moments of extreme emotion, while talking to cows, you have to pay particular attention to their facial expressions.

You can judge by a cow’s face if it is an intense cow or a happy-go-lucky cow; if it is just roaming about or out to kill somebody.

You also must pay particular attention to the teeth, if they ever do allow you to see them; the grinding of teeth may imply “seething with rage” or intense stomach-ache; while a tension-free “Battisi” means it is just plain happy.

But let us not distract ourselves and move onto the next kind.

...............................................................................................................................

The NEUTRAL GUYS

The Third kind, the neutral guys, doesn’t spend their day thinking about cows. Some have in fact been known to be so neutral as to deny the very existence of cows and end up walking into those invisible things.

However, these guys are still humans. Some love cars, others bikes and claim that cows take up the space on the street which does not leave anything for their BMWs and Hayabusas.

They say that the government should draft clear and concise policies for all living, non-living, real or imaginary things on the road. That everything should be at its rightful place and that they do not feel that road/street is an appropriate place for a cow, if the said creature so exists.

But ask any one category of people; Do they like it when some random guy parks the cows off at the very centre of the street for the above three categories to exercise their franchise?

The answer is a vehement NO.

Alas, this is the sad reality for most of India.

......................................................................................................................

The AUTHOR'S DAILY ADVENTURE (Can only be witnessed on weekdays and an occasional weekend, since the author is lazy and sleeps a lot on weekends)

It becomes kind of an adventure sport, where you have to dodge the hurdles in the form of cows, buffalos, bikes, cars, and that random guy or gal who doesn’t seem to see you and intends to walk right through you.

The barking dog with whom one has to play a game of staring while the creature is shouting away angrily at you as if it had just executed the deeds for that part of real-estate and figures one may end up littering it.

And then there is all the excretion! It is as if the cow, such a devious creature that it is, must have spent the whole night working out algorithms to find which exact place to plant the symbol of its eternal presence.

And when, in your blind happiness, walking to office with a song on your lips, you end up stepping on this eternal symbol of the cow, you begin to doubt, is the universe really that big? Is entropy really that big an issue or is it all planned out way ahead by an immensely naughty kid staring at the ant-farm like earth with mirth and glee.

Mind the NUTSHELL

In a nutshell, a humble request to that random guy who parks them off in the street every morning, kindly park your vehicles (which happen to be cows in this case) in a garage at your home if you do not intend to ride them during daytime.