The Incidental Criminal

He was sleeping when they came to get him. When he opened his eyes, he saw a very large bug putting away what seemed like a complex gun(like those in Men in Black) back in a case. Was he being kidnapped by aliens? He looked around. He seemed to be in his bedroom, only that the room and everything inside it seemed a lot bigger, or was it he who had become small? He looked closely on his handlers; they quite oddly seemed to look like....THUMP !!!

It seemed like an elaborate courthouse, like the ones in Ekta Kapur’s daily soaps. He was sitting handcuffed in a chair. On a pedestal was sitting an old looking bug (looked like a mosquito) surrounded by a host of other “official looking” mosquitoes. The mosquitoes were so big, that he could distinctly see each of their body parts, right from the needle like stinger to suck blood, to the patterns on their wings. How did the mosquitoes get so big? Or was it he who became so small? Hey that seemed familiar. So, he was not in a dream after all, the mosquitoes had shrunk him with that complex gun and brought him here. But why?

Judge: “Order in the court!!!”

“Mr. Payoj Gupta, you have been charged with the killing of 54 mosquitoes including 12 innocent males and 6 young mosquitoes within a space of just three days. Do you have anything to say in your defence?”

PG: “Excuse me sir, but you are a mosquito right?”

Judge: “Yes, mister, you can be sure of that.”

PG: “And you are some sort of a-a judge or something?”

Judge: “Yes, indeed, and now that I think of it, you could perhaps plead being delusional. So, do you plead guilty to the charges levelled against you or not?”

“Okay, I am indeed in a trial. Come on get a hold on yourself !”, he thought to himself.

PG: “I shall plead not guilty, sir, that is, your honour.”

He silently thanked his mother for subjecting him to Ekta Kapur’s soaps for so many years.

Prosecution: “Your honour, the man standing in front of us has been identified by 5 relevant mosquito authorities for going on a rampage, killing away unsuspecting mosquitoes well beyond the “allowable limit”. His crimes being numerous in number and heinous in nature naturally qualify the death sentence by a "female Anopheles" mosquito bite.”

PG: “Your honour, I would like to plead ignorance of laws against killing mosquitoes, and thus, innocence.”

Prosecution: “My lord, it is very clear and anonymously agreed in the human laws that crimes against any animate living being without provocation are punishable under law, and since every human is considered a literate in the human laws, he cannot claim ignorance of laws in this court.”

PG: “But your honour, I didn't kill said mosquitoes without provocation, the act was in self-defence.”

Prosecution: “And what harm pray tell, did you expect the mosquitoes would have caused you?”

PG: “My lord, apart from the physical discomfort and chances of infection in my blood, the emotional trauma and sleep deprivation caused as a result of mosquito bites should be a strong enough motive for me to take preventive measures.”

Judge: “The court agrees with the human’s logic.”

Prosecution: “Your honour, even if we accept the human’s apparent motives on their face value, is it not a bit extreme to kill away all prospective biters instead of perhaps using some other non-violent means? Does this not perhaps show a degree of contempt against the mosquitoes as a species on the human’s part?”

PG: “My Lord, the prosecution is suggesting that I wait for the mosquito, whom I know has a strong likelihood of biting me eventually, to bite me before I attempt to take any corrective measure, which in this case sadly was terminating the threat altogether.”

Prosecution: “But, My Lord, the act of killing male and young mosquitoes who posed no threat whatsoever to the human cannot be vindicated.”

PG: “Your Honour, I am deeply apologetic for killing off innocent mosquitoes while securing my habitat, but in my defence, I couldn't really differentiate between the two as with my eyesight, I can only differentiate mosquitoes from flies, not categorise them with their age and sex.”

Judge: “Hmmm...Does the prosecution have any further argument? “

“Okay, then. After much deliberation, the court has reached the conclusion, that even though it was not a deliberate act of commission on the part of the human as far as the mass-killings are concerned, the court cannot simply let the culprit free of all charges. So, as a prerogative for future trials of this nature, and in order to set an example both among the human and mosquito societies, the court orders that this human, Mr. Payoj Gupta, be bitten by the “expert biter mosquito” carrying a diluted protozoa solution multiple times immediately.”

“The court is adjourned. Next case, Rabid Longstring vs the Union of Mosquit.”

He was horrified. It was one thing when they bit him while he was hundreds of times larger than them, but this did not seem right. He closed his eyes as the sinister-looking mosquito approached. He silently laughed at that last thought. Only yesterday, there was nothing like a cheerful mosquito for him, let alone a sinister one. He braced himself for the inevitable.

And it bit.

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“What is that on my hand?”

THUMP

“Ah, another mosquito, I thought I had killed you all last night. “

Checks the Inbox in his mobile. Another bunk.

“All right then, Back to sleep it is !!!”

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Random Mosquito 247: Chief, the convict has eliminated the expert biter.

Chief: Hmmm...Maybe we underestimated the human’s reflexes. We need someone from the special ops in this case...Contact Agent Red alpha 4.

A Lesson in Morality

As a kid, one day I brought back home a 2 rupees coin I found on my way back from school. When I showed it to my mother, she promptly told me, that we should never pick up money lying around the road (in case the person to whom it belongs to comes back looking for it). “So, should I put it back where I found it?”, I asked my mother, and she said,”No, we shall donate it in the temple”.

Years later, while entering inside the examination hall for my end semester exams, I found a Rs.50 note lying on the floor outside the hall in the mechanical department. By instinct, I left it lying there, though there was a temptation to at least put it somewhere it doesn't get under people’s shoes.

After the exam was over, while getting out of the hall, I found the Rs.50 note lying there as it is. I do not know what took over me, but within seconds, the Rs.50 note was in my hand. I stood there looking stupid. Since, I was the last one out of the exam hall, there was no one in the corridor.

Leaving the money lying there didn't seem like a good idea. Three hours was a long enough time, if the owner were aware of this, he should have come looking for it much earlier. To add to that, there were chances that someone else would take it and unlike me, use it for themselves.

I could of course submit it in the department office. But how could I be sure of what the clerk would do with that money? Also, going to office to submit a 50 rupees note for “lost and found” seemed a bit cheesy.

So, my mother’s teaching came to mind. The temple, of course. I put the note in my pocket, and came out of the department. But on reaching the temple, I couldn't get myself to put it in the donation box. How could I be sure that the money would be used for a good purpose by the temple trust? After all, there is no dearth of corruption in India, and even if the temple authorities were not corrupt, I didn't want this money getting spent on buying new clothes for a stone statue.

I didn't give it to a beggar when I reached the bus stop, as I thought that the person, to whom I give this money, though needy, will become complacent and this act will serve as a further inspiration to continue with his/her current profession of begging.

That day, when I went to sleep at night, I was dogged with self-doubt. Had I become so selfish that I couldn't find one single way to use this money, for the welfare of anyone in need? If I had given it to any of the children begging on the roads (even though I knew that they probably were under the clutches of some mafia forcing them to beg), I would have ensured at least 3-4 kids wouldn't sleep on an empty stomach. No doubt I had a troubled sleep that night.

By the next day, when I woke up, I had worked out the best solution to the problem at hand. I would give this money to someone, perhaps a daily labourer working in one of the many constructions going on in the institute. So, I decided that I would slip the money near some construction site after the exam was over.

After the exam, as I came out of the department, I saw a group of labourers cementing bricks. Just then, another thought came to mind. What if the person who ends up with this money turns out an alcoholic or uses this to buy cigarettes and such. No, that would be completely wrong. I shall not be responsible for encouraging a person into wasting money in these habits.

Just then, I saw a group of female labourers at a distance, with small kids and a few babies all around, and I knew, then, where this money belonged. I realised that anyone in the world, including myself could use such stray money in a host of immoral or wasteful ways, but a mother will always look for the well-being of her kids before any personal comfort. As I passed the group, I discreetly put the 50 rupees note in one of the cribs carrying a baby.

I was finally at peace.

Random Musing: I wonder about the state of mind of the people who draft the budget, or deal with the taxpayer's money...Don't they get overwhelmed by the enormity of responsibility bestowed on them by the millions of taxpayers, or do they cackle in secret basking in their fortunes...If even a single person working in the UPA cabinet had a tenth of the conscience that an ordinary man on the street has, the country would have been saved from such agony...

Indian media's role as the fourth pillar of Democracy

This is a compilation of a few pieces I wrote for an online debate in which I participated recently. The topic for the debate was "Indian media's role as the fourth pillar of Democracy". So here goes.

Unlike a Communist or Feudal system, where, media is mostly controlled by the state, and thus, the general public gets to hear only what their government wants them to hear; in a democracy, the media, apart from informing the public of the latest happenings in the country, has the added responsibility of being independent of the state in obtaining the correct data, and also being impartial while presenting it in public.

However, the world does not work in such an idealistic manner. For example, while the media has to sound impartial while delivering the news, it has the added responsibility of "moral conditioning" of the public. If the sample population has a skewed sex-ratio, the media not only has to inform the public of the latest figures from the Census, but also to impress upon the public, the ramifications of such a situation in the future.

To this end, media has significantly lived up to its expectations. Before going further, we should note that the term "media" doesn't end at the daily newsreaders and journalists, it expands to prime time television, movies, magazines, etc. The media has significantly helped the cause of woman empowerment, caste and religion differences, communal harmony, freedom of expression, right to information, etc.

But thats where the rosy story ends.

Over the past decade, the media has become much too powerful at a very fast pace. It is only natural for the Indian political parties, the corporates and various religious organisations to acknowledge its power as a powerful propaganda machine.

With huge amounts of money pouring in, the old plain clothed media has now become a glamorized behemoth working day and night for higher TRPs. Wherever there is huge money involved, corruption is unavoidable. This is what happened with the Indian media. And this phenomenon is more pronounced in the chic English media with more eyeballs coming from an ever expanding middle class. What started as a secular, left centered wave among a few renowned journalists has now become a statement for today’s generation of media leaders.

Today, any large-scale investment in the industrial sector towards setting up modern, state-of-the-art industrial facilities and power plants are vehemently opposed by the entire spectrum of the media. Hoards of journalists descend on the sites of the proposed projects, and, as it seems in most cases, polarise the local public as well as the country as a whole against the project in the name of agricultural land and plight of the affected farmers after their only source of livelihood is snatched away from them. No journalist ever talks about the advantages of such projects for the country as well as the indigenous populace. They won't mention the fact that the same local people will get absorbed as manpower and get better paying jobs with an assured flow of income throughout the year, as also the increase in business activity and thus creation of even more jobs in their neighbourhood, and improvement in the village infrastructure if the project goes through.

The “moral conditioning” has thus become “opinion building”, which is largely influenced by the individual journalist's interpretation of the scenario, and what should have been a private and personal decision for the common man is now razed by opinion polls and heavily biased talk shows, all run on the egos of a few distinguished journalists and money, huge money flowing in from corporates, political parties and their lobbyists.

However, all is not lost. As exemplified by the recent “Nira Radia controversy”, there are still some ethical media groups that are fearless in their journalistic duty and have exposed this nexus.

Maybe, the Indian media is in a transitory stage, into becoming more vocal about its allegiances like its western counterparts.

I think we now have a fair idea about the state of affairs in today's media, the issues that are hampering its ability to function as a strong pillar of the democracy.

This discussion holds significance in light of the fact that democracy is the soft-quality that draws the rest of the world towards us as compared to the steely grip of the communist regime on all aspects of the society and economy in China. This distinguishing feature of our country needs to be nurtured and protected at all costs for us to remain a champion of democracy in a world embroiled in recession and conflict. This puts the Indian media on the center stage as the voice, eyes and ears of the largest and the fastest growing democracy in the world. If it fails in its duty, it may have a profound effect on our global standing.

We determined the role played by the media, both positive and negative, in different situations. How in some cases it provided justice to the common man and fought the war on behalf of the man on the street against the almighty bureaucrats and politicians; and how in certain cases, perhaps in a bid to flaunt its apparent secularity or in lieu of some vested interests, it distorted facts, sensationalized news, created mass-hysteria, thus spreading hatred, and straining the communal fabric of the country.

We determined the impact of Globalisation and Liberalisation on the media, the advent of the 24 hour news, the entry of commercial aspects in reportage, display of trivial attention grabbing material and obscenity in order to boost TRPs and finally the role of lobbyists in reportage, not only influencing policy, but also public opinion.

For my part, I would suggest the following ways in order to make the media more accountable to its increased power and reach.

• For the media houses, I suggest that they start being more upfront about their loyalties, towards corporate and political parties alike. By trying to create an impression of partiality while reporting biased views suitable to individual interests and undermining other’s, they are affecting public opinion in the worst way possible. The movement has already started. A renowned journalist had recently accepted his leanings towards a particular national party. In addition to this, they should have people monitoring the content at different levels to ensure that facts are not distorted in favor of a particular individual or organization.

• As for “unbiased” media houses, they have a far greater responsibility as they have to ensure that the tone of the public discourse at no time should seem to be leaning towards a particular candidate, and if it does, proper evidence instead of random statements from the rival camp should be submitted before the public. We cannot afterall have Supreme court judges as journalists, now can we? And the most important of all, instead of planting opinion, they should let the public decide for itself on all issues based on again their own “unbiased” analysis.

• The media houses should also ensure that their editors are able to distinguish when a sensational news becomes damaging towards national interests, as was evident during the 26/11 Mumbai attack and the reportage of the Gujarat riots. In such cases, economic aspects should not be the motivation behind reportage. During national calamities, journalistic duty should be the supreme driver.

• Also, though it is matter that is for the media house to decide, and cannot be thrust by anyone, the news channels should not model themselves as entertainment channels, though it may be argued that one always has a host of other channels to fall back upon for the viewers, and in times of news shortage, they have to telecast something, broadcasting clippings from reality shows or vague sounding hysteria over the end of the world in a variety of ways, trivializes certain news that is important for the public to know.

• As for the laws, I believe that the legal framework regarding media coverage is pretty extensive especially after the 26/11 attacks. All that is needed is effective implementation without any prejudice or political calculations by the government in the said implementation. In effect, I suggest an independent public appointed authority as a watchdog for the media.

• Though it takes us away from the topic at hand, and it of course is my personal belief but I think the goverment should legalize lobbying, both corporate and political. It should be realized that lobbying is unavoidable in such a commercialized world. It will be easier for the public to ascertain intentions of both the media and politicians alike, if we know who is supporting whom. This is an established practice in the western media, and I think should be introduced in India also, for it to evolve as a democracy.

In the end, I would like to reiterate the fact that the purpose of this discussion was for the participants and the subsequent audience to better understand the role of media in shaping both our present and future civil societies rather than expecting some change on the ground. It would after all be foolish of us to expect that a mere discussion on one of thousands of ongoing debates will somehow grab the attention of the leading media houses and cause a change of heart. I presume none of us are actually in any way connected to the media to influence its policies. All of us are at the end of the day, engineers, not journalists. But we still are well-educated and responsible citizens of our country. It is prudent of us to at least be aware of the functioning of media, and make informed decisions in the future based on their analyses, not only for our own sake, but for the sake of the millions who are too busy scraping for their lives to have the luxury to ponder on such matters.

An Ode to a dear friend...

I have had many friends in the two decades of my life, but one friend stands out, more so because this friendship has stood the test of time, of irregular and uncertain communication, and yet, prospered.

Our fathers who were batch mates during their engineering days are the reason that we became friends, but our friendship endured only due to our own efforts and respective awesome personalities. I think the main reasons behind it are our extremely happy childhood memories. My earliest memories of Vyom are from our birthday parties. Those were carefree days, we would reach the other's home earlier with family, still remember playing video game at his home, as I remember it, he had quite a collection of video game cassettes, which I envy to this day. During the party, we would dance our way to the end, and after the party was over, we opened all the presents together.

Awesome fight sequence...

Thanda thanda pani...

Dancing into the night...

The Demi-dude saluting the Dudiest dude...

After all those few happy years, Vyom goes off to Assam, and that is when communication breaks off completely, for years together. The next time we met, our lives had completely changed. Now, all discussions at home were about studies, IIT, AIEEE; but that did not deter us. I do not remember us ever talking about that stuff. When we met, we would talk about everything but studies.

And that is how it has been for a very long time, we meet in intervals of 1-2 years, bond with each other, and our friendship endures. The last time we met, at 12 in the midnight, all we did for the next three hours was watch and exchange movies (From what I remember we saw Shaolin Soccer and Balls of Fury that night), play games, and then, went to sleep at 3 in the morning.

And now, our relationship has evolved as Net Buddies, as we go about terrorising our unassuming friends into submitting before the sheer awesomeness of our camaraderie.

Now, that he has joined Cognizant in Pune, and I am all set to join Linde in Vadodara, it doesn’t seem that the boundary conditions in this case are about to change anytime soon. Though we constantly keep in touch with each other through the internet, it does seem that our constantly irregular communication is the only thing on which our friendship rests even in the foreseeable future.

Note: You can find the Demi-Dude at : http://demi-dudes.blogspot.com/

Alternate fashion sense...

"Really, thats what you think matches with that shirt???" My mother bellowed for the umpteenth time, aghast at my weird and slightly eccentric fashion sense.

Honestly, I was never good with colors. Since childhood, I could barely name the 12 standard colors that came in the average crayons box. In fact, I distinctly remember that during the interview for admission to the first class in my school, though I already knew the multiplication tables till 12, I couldn't tell the interviewing teachers, the color of their saris; and even to this day, I am not sure, what the color "grey" exactly looks like.

Then, of course, there is all that fuss, which is generally thrown at me by the members of the opposite sex, how the "royal blue" is so different from the "navy blue", how, its not orange, its "orangish-yellow"; "How can you not see the difference between "magenta" and "pink" !!! Frankly, I don't care about the difference between magenta and pink, or the innumerable "blues" as long as they do not end up on the traffic signals.

So, this apparent lack of "common sense" exasperates the near and dear ones, friends and family alike, when say, I wear pink shirt with a cream colored or green trousers, to the extent that I became an overnight celebrity for a brief period in the mechanical engineering department. Yes, do you have the audacity to carry yourself in such a combination ???

However, I do not always turn up in such "out of the world" clothing; if, for example, "Odd day" is being celebrated at my college, I deliberately dress up in the most "normal" clothes that I can think of (yes, I have finally gotten the hang of the "normal" by the trial and error method), after all, thats what will make me look "odd" in the crowd of a bunch of weirdly dressed jokers (and when I say weirdly dressed, I am not being dramatic, people get very intense, to the point of tearing their clothes at strategic locations, just to look distinct from the rest) who turn up that day.

You see, unlike other people, when I open my rather significant wardrobe in the morning, I do not blindly follow latest trends in fashion set by low-on-IQ "snobs" who have made a whole industry out of it or worry about tedious color combinations...I set my own trends... I just pick out a shirt and pants whose color and texture "feels right" for the day. So, in a way, I am my own personal fashion designer.

Random Musing : I am contemplating the combination of Pink or red shirt over my yellow pants? What say you ??? Mwahahahahaha !!!

Swiss account anyone???

The recent hoopla over recovery of black money stashed in swiss accounts, resulted in rather sinister musings in the megalomaniac brain of yours truly. What if I were to open an account at some Swiss bank when I start working??? Just the thought makes me daydream. A large chunk of my hard-earned money, that would have any way gone into the security of a "delicate kitten of a man"'s journey around the country just because he is "connected" to the country's self anointed first family, will be at my disposal !!! That's Rs. 40000, just for the second year that I will work as a trainee !!!

And why should I not do it? All the illiterate morons that pass off as the who's who of our parliament get to have them. And they steal billions of tax-payer's money in their accounts and most of them are now over 70 years ! I will still be an Engineering graduate fresh out of one of the topmost institutions in the country. If anyone is eligible to hold a swiss account, thats me !!!

I have done the math, it takes an average of about 20-25 years for the government agencies to find out, exactly who got away with stashing their ill-gotten money in swiss banks. Now, since mine will be hard-earned money, so logically speaking, the government must not care about whatever small change I end up hoodwinking from the Income Tax authorities.

So, I can assume to live at least 30 years of extravagant life away from the draconian tax laws; Thirty five if I am smart, and start living in a hostile country that doesn't have an extradition treaty, or if I manage to bribe a few important people. I would have lived away the better part of my life with a large amount of money at my disposal.

After I turn 65 or 70, even if the authorities catch up with me, it won't really matter. In fact, at that age, it would be better to languish in a comfy jail at tax payer's expense (I am counting on the government to retain its wasteful credentials, and instead of upgrading critical infrastructure, will end up making jails more hospitable under pressure from human rights groups). I might also get some Bollywood film-maker to document my life !

Man, this life holds so much promise !

After that much of wishful thinking, I come back to Earth...with a thud. There is no way that the Swiss bank authorities are going to open and maintain an account with that paltry an amount. Being an honest criminal won't do, like the Cadbury Bournville, you have to "earn" the right to get such a privilege. Also, it is a known fact that like the human eye, the "visual range" of the IT officials makes them blind only to those monies exceeding at least a billion dollars...

Argh...the misfortune of being a common man ...:(

Random Musing:

What if, taking cue from the politicians of our country, all the Indians started stashing away their hard-earned money in the swiss banks !!!

The Life Of Payoj Prime

Author's note: Though this post may reinforce your idea of an exponential rise in my insanity, I like to believe this as to be my evolution as a writer.

There is a theory that hypotheses the existence of an infinite number of parallel universes with different sets of realities as compared to your universe.

In another such universe from where I write, Payoj woke up in the morning in his compartment at 7:30 a.m. After getting ready for college, he stepped out of his Trome (a residential train), on to the 1547 Trabe ( a transitory train meant for transport and other time consuming activities like breakfast and gossip) waiting outside. He reached his daily spot and had breakfast with his friends. When the train reached his engineering institute, he along with his friends bundled out.

Payoj comes from a middle class background. That means his family can afford a few mid-sized compartments in a good trome. There are an average of 40 families living in a standard trome. Of course, my universe is not unaffected from the influences of power and money, so there are indeed people with sufficient wealth to own their own tromes and move about on their own whims, while the poor people who cannot afford the high rents and prices of upscale tromes live in government run temporary tromes with negligible personal space that are regularly filled beyond their capacities and are known breeding grounds of criminals in my universe.

You see unlike your universe, where man stopped being a nomad long ago, and started living in permanent buildings, in our universe, man' (to be pronounced as man prime) never really “settled down” at a single place. Instead of waking up, traveling to work, and coming back home, they preferred to rest while their “homes” did the traveling. So, in the morning their homes would drop them off to work and pick them up in the evening. This activity required a lot of horses working continuously in the beginning, but with advancement of technology, we today have a pretty effective system.

We have trains for almost any and every purpose, for which your people end up building permanent stationary structures. So, if one has to go shopping for vegetables and other household items, they just get out of their trome, board a crain ( a commercial train), do the shopping, and through a trabe ( a transitory train), get back to their trome. At one point our planners even flirted with the idea of completely doing away with permanent buildings except for industries and factories, but as it further complicated the already complex rail network, the design was phased out after only a few trials.

While my counterpart in your universe thinks of us as lazy creatures "who do not want to get out of their homes, and travel to work on their own", I believe that this is a pretty efficient arrangement, with people giving higher productivity and man’ hours, as a result of saving a lot of time in traveling. This arrangement also avoids losses of life in road accidents unlike your universe, and superior fuel economy, with our efficient low-on-fuel, transportation. This system also leaves us with large tracts of land with sufficient scope for massive industrialization, and if we are able to succeed in application of the the superconductor technology, needless to say, our world will be revolutionized. Still, I personally respect your world's rather tall and artistic buildings, though befuddled by your penchant for spending so much time traveling over large distances to and from work, when you could rest like us here.

Ah, it seems we have reached my trome, I must hurry, else I will have to take another trabe. Farewell.