And it rained Credit Cards!!!

If the people named in this article are in a vengeful mood, then I am in for a lot of trouble. May be they will file an FIR against me and get me arrested; May be that will lead to the media rallying behind me and making me a Hero of the masses. Then, I will be made the Indian Prime Minister. Then, in a crazy fit, I will become a Dark overlord...Mwahahaha!!! 

Don't mind my mindless musings...Read on...

Following the recent expose by IAC activist Arvind Kejriwal regarding the nexus behind accumulation of black money in Swiss banks, the Central Government came up yesterday with a bizarre scheme to check the circulation of black money.

The central government has decided to provide credit card swiping machines as part of a national strategy to integrate the poverty ridden masses and check the flow of black money in the economy.

In a press conference attended by senior UPA leaders Kapil Sibal and P. Chidambaram, the government announced the ambitious scheme. Mr. Chidambaram informed the assembled journalists that the move, the brain-child of Congress’s PM-in-waitng Rahul Gandhi, is aimed to curb the flow of black money in the economy and integrating the lakhs of beggars into the mainstream, besides decreasing the economy's fiscal deficit through taxes from the beggars. The Union minister claimed that in a recent government sponsored survey, it was found that begging, if seen as an organized industry employed the largest number of employees in the country with all transactions in black. The minister claimed that with this scheme the government could recover at least 45% of the black money circulating in the system.

However, political analysts and our sources in various political parties are of the opinion that the move may backfire since nobody likes being taxed more or being taxed at all.

Meanwhile, reactions from various political parties started pouring in by the end of the day.

The BJP spokesperson slammed the government for being insensitive over the issue of poverty by aiming to tax the already poverty-ridden masses.

Apart from the BJP central leadership, Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi, on campaign trail at a rally in Vadodara claimed that the real Black Money was stored in Madam Sonia’s lockers in Swiss Banks and not minuscule alms obtained by the beggars.

Within an hour of this statement, Information & Broadcasting Minister and Congress spokesperson Mr. Manish Tewari condemned Mr. Modi’s authoritarian attitude, comparing him to Hitler while Ex-cop Sanjiv Bhatt wrote a letter to Modi, asking him to apologise to the nation for the 2002 riots.

The CPM alleged that the UPA government was anti-people and this move by the government was at the behest of the US government in order to benefit their banking institutions and Credit card swiping machine manufacturers.

West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee slammed the government for its anti-people schemes and proposed yet another No confidence motion against the UPA in the Lok Sabha.

SP and BSP leaders Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati threatened to withdraw their outside support from the government if it does not allow reservations for Minorities and Backward classes respectively in this scheme.

Meanwhile, MNS chief Raj Thackrey gave a new direction to the debate, alleging that the beggars hailing from Bihar will eat into the Marathi beggars’ share and challenged that either Marathi beggars should get preference in the allocation of the Credit card swiping machines or beggars from Bihar and other northern states shall be driven away from Mumbai.

Amidst the ensuing political controversy, this reporter had an opportunity to meet a recently upgraded beggar as part of the government’s pilot project before implementing the scheme nationwide. The Beggar, Mr. Ram Das enlightened this reporter about how any donation made to him being electronic in nature shall be exempt from taxation.

On being asked, if the scheme had empowered him or helped improve his and his family's condition, Mr. Das smiled and said,”Let us just say, that now I have to worry about investments and tax saving”.

Government vs Ice Cream

Until this day, I believed my mother had assumed the supreme authority of reprimanding me for eating Ice cream (for obvious reasons). 

However, with the Home Minister of India Mr. Chidambaram also finding fault with the said practice, I really am starting to reconsider my eating habits, in case some day "The powers that be" decide to make eating ice cream into a punishable offence.

Jokes aside, the logic behind this statement seems a bit shaky. I mean, I am not allowed to complain of soaring prices just because I sometimes end up eating ice cream or perhaps drinking "drinkable" Drinking water.

As for the ice cream, I fear the best way to make people spend on staples such as rice and wheat instead of ice cream would be to ban its production and sale. However, I feel a certain bubbly girl who makes her living out of selling these "Utterly Delicious" delights, might be furious if ever such a decision were taken. 

But before resorting to any such step, I would request the Home Minister to improve the Electricity situation in the country. A lot of the people resort to indulging in this audacious delight only to beat the heat in the summers in the absence of electricity. But perhaps that may eventually lead to reprimanding us for using Air Conditioners, so don't mind what I just said.

As for the water Sir, the only alternative I have to Bottled water is the one supplied by our respective Municipal Corporations, if supplied at all. 

But being of weak heart, I am a bit doubtful of the quality of the "cheap water" supplied by you and terribly afraid of contracting a water-borne disease.

Again, I could go to some Government Hospital for "cheap treatment", but being apprehensive of the services there, if at all sufficiently available, I would rather go to a private clinic.

So, when it comes to choosing between a "Rs. 15 bottle of water" and the doctor's fee at a private clinic, I would easily prefer the former, for at the end of the day, I still have to afford my bowl of Rice!

In the end, to rest my case Mr. Home Minister, you can mess with anyone but kids. They won't understand whatever Advanced Economics you think are at work here (I doubt anyone else would).

Kids only understand that Ice Cream tastes "AWESOME" and that's the end of the argument. Anyone who claims to the contrary or tries to snatch it away from them is the Voldemort of their sweet little world.

Being a kid at heart myself, I couldn't agree more!

So, step back and rethink before you are disarmed by a collective EXPELLIARMUS!!

Swiss account anyone???

The recent hoopla over recovery of black money stashed in swiss accounts, resulted in rather sinister musings in the megalomaniac brain of yours truly. What if I were to open an account at some Swiss bank when I start working??? Just the thought makes me daydream. A large chunk of my hard-earned money, that would have any way gone into the security of a "delicate kitten of a man"'s journey around the country just because he is "connected" to the country's self anointed first family, will be at my disposal !!! That's Rs. 40000, just for the second year that I will work as a trainee !!!

And why should I not do it? All the illiterate morons that pass off as the who's who of our parliament get to have them. And they steal billions of tax-payer's money in their accounts and most of them are now over 70 years ! I will still be an Engineering graduate fresh out of one of the topmost institutions in the country. If anyone is eligible to hold a swiss account, thats me !!!

I have done the math, it takes an average of about 20-25 years for the government agencies to find out, exactly who got away with stashing their ill-gotten money in swiss banks. Now, since mine will be hard-earned money, so logically speaking, the government must not care about whatever small change I end up hoodwinking from the Income Tax authorities.

So, I can assume to live at least 30 years of extravagant life away from the draconian tax laws; Thirty five if I am smart, and start living in a hostile country that doesn't have an extradition treaty, or if I manage to bribe a few important people. I would have lived away the better part of my life with a large amount of money at my disposal.

After I turn 65 or 70, even if the authorities catch up with me, it won't really matter. In fact, at that age, it would be better to languish in a comfy jail at tax payer's expense (I am counting on the government to retain its wasteful credentials, and instead of upgrading critical infrastructure, will end up making jails more hospitable under pressure from human rights groups). I might also get some Bollywood film-maker to document my life !

Man, this life holds so much promise !

After that much of wishful thinking, I come back to Earth...with a thud. There is no way that the Swiss bank authorities are going to open and maintain an account with that paltry an amount. Being an honest criminal won't do, like the Cadbury Bournville, you have to "earn" the right to get such a privilege. Also, it is a known fact that like the human eye, the "visual range" of the IT officials makes them blind only to those monies exceeding at least a billion dollars...

Argh...the misfortune of being a common man ...:(

Random Musing:

What if, taking cue from the politicians of our country, all the Indians started stashing away their hard-earned money in the swiss banks !!!

The year that wouldn't be—A Random Bumblings initiative

Another new year goes by. I suspect most of you celebrated the occasion with friends and family at some sort of a New Year party. Well, I was at my unadventurous best, writing this article. Before indulging in this exciting activity, I was watching the movie “Alice in Wonderland” on TV. In fact, against the usual meaning of adventure associated with trekking, climbing, traveling and such; during the course of a typical day for the last four years, running against time to catch the bus is as adventurous as my life ever gets. All this goes on to prove that the world is yet to come up with such an excuse for celebration that can force me out of my separatist ways.

Now, that we are done with the small talk, let me torture you with my absolutely sane and reasonable musings.

The year that wouldn't be (or would it, you can never be so sure these days):

• Manmohan Singh will lip sync to Sunny Deol's thunderous voice, in order to assure the country that he indeed is the boss and not a terrified pussy.

• In a sensational Wikileaks revelation, it will be reported and later confirmed by leading scientists of the world that black holes were actually experiments conducted jointly by the CIA and NASA in order to invent the ultimate shredder and save crucial national security documents from  the almighty and omniscient Assange. Obviously, the leaks will prove that the shredded information could be recreated, thus proving Stephen Hawking's long held belief.

• During a crucial trust vote in the parliament, several opposition MPs will bring bags full of onions as evidence of attempted “Horse-trading” by agents of the ruling party in return for their votes. This incident, better known as “the Oniongate” will catapult onions as a legitimate alternative to paper-based currency. In a related development, Pakistan will emerge as the market leader in the production of counterfeit onions.

• Rahul Gandhi will inadvertently sing “soft kitty” in response to a question from Arnab Goswami during a public debate. Arnab's subsequent emotional response to said song will give the expression “crying like a girl” a whole new meaning. This amazing “speech” will finally convince the world of Mr. Gandhi's unique and glorious vision of India.

• Said kitties, under the universal banner of “Kitties For Justice” will file a lawsuit against Rahul Gandhi for using their franchise for personal profit without obtaining the necessary copyright for the same.

• Arundhati Roy will stand up against the alleged torture and violence against said kitties as ordered by the government to “restrain” them. Senior Lawyer Ram Jethmalani will of course claim Rahul Gandhi as to be innocent, and accuse media of being biased and creating unnecessary hype over a case under trial. BJP will call for Rahul Gandhi's inexperience as a national leader and claim that singing “soft kitty” exhibits a lack of knowledge about Indian culture and disrespect towards the thousands of poems in Hindi and other local Indian languages.

• In a seemingly bizarre and dramatic turn of events, I will end up as President of the United States, and will finally succeed in my plan of world domination. As would later be found out, this event and the accompanying chaos that I unleash will be the catastrophe the Mayans had predicted, that will ultimately lead to worldwide destruction in 2012.

• At the end of the year, Digvijay Singh will opine that all the stuff as described above was somehow (based on certain mysterious conversations with the Muggle equivalents of “The Unspeakables” and as of now unavailable evidence) a conspiracy hatched by the RSS.

A desperate note to all the above mentioned celebrities:

Please don't sue me. I meant no disrespect. Honest :P (The last expression is only meant to reinforce my sincerity and “should not be misinterpreted” as to be pointing towards some other widely popular sms expression)

If you do sue me, I will blame all of it on the movie "Alice in Wonderland" and my favorite character "the Mad Hatter" that caused the insanity that I had been harboring deep inside myself to finally spill out into the open. 

I may also claim that my body has been infested by an eccentric alien who actually believes that all this is funny, but since it may be difficult to scientifically prove that without tearing me apart in an invasive, near fatal surgical procedure, I may not go forward with that course of action.

By the way, a very Happy New Year to all of you.

The Plight of CWG: Even our Gods are nervous!

In their monthly appraisal with the executive members of the Heaven, the trinity asked the King of the Gods about the state of affairs in God's own country in the run-up to the CWG.

Lord Brahma: Mr. Indra, We have been hearing distressing news during our daily prayer review. Many of the executives involved in the preparation of the CWG have been blaming excessive rains as the culprit behind the slow construction work going on, floods in various parts of the country notwithstanding. If this goes on, we will have to order an external audit into the state of affairs at your office. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

Indra: Sir, with due respect, I would like to point to the fact that if I had not made it rain excessively in north India, there would have been a drought-like situation which coupled with the inflation would have made the life of the people miserable. Had that happened, then also, the earthlings would have blamed me! And it is a well documented fact that floods have been occurring due to the miserly attitude shown by the dam authorities to store water for producing electricity. They are stocking up for the better part of next year, and release large quantities at the last moment, thus, causing flood-like situations.
As for the CWG, it is unreasonable of them to expect dry days in the middle of the monsoon season! In fact, I believe they should have worked non-stop the previous year when it actually rained less.

Lord Brahma: And why did it rain less the previous year?

Indra: If the Trinity will kindly look at their Order-B6-432, you will find that you had announced the previous year as the Global warming awareness year, and asked all concerned authorities to act accordingly.

Lord Brahma: Oh yes, age hasn’t been kind to us. But still, have you found any solution to this problem?

Indra: Sir, we have started making a list of negligent officials and politicians, that we will give to Lord Vishnu, as and when he decides upon his next Avatar (looking expectantly)

Lord Vishnu: I am sorry Lord Indra, but I do not see that happening in the near future, The avatar is still in the planning stages, there is way too much work to be done, and since, the old magic tricks and shows of supernatural power are not possible in these times, not to mention the strict moral code for celebrities, it will be a while till the next avatar. I advise you to send your agents on Earth to collect evidence against corrupt officials instead. It becomes very difficult during their conviction here, with so many bail applications. Besides, these measures do not look after the present state of affairs...So, ensure that there are no more rains at least for the next ten days both in the construction area and the catchment areas of the concerned dams. Try and keep the weather pleasant, send some undercover agents from heaven, to make sure no more bridges go down at least during the ceremony, and yes, take care of any suspicious activity.

Lord Indra: Do I authorize the agents to use magic, if necessary?

Lord Vishnu: Of course Mr. Indra, how else do you expect the structures to hold!!

Lord Indra: As you wish, sir. On the security front, the “Cow Squad” had been equipped with the modern intelligence gathering apparatus, but the human authorities are adamant at keeping them away from the venues during the games in order to improve the aesthetics of the city. We are contemplating using pigeons for the same.

Lord Vishnu: Yes, hurry up with that.

Lord Shiva: But would it not make people suspicious if there are no hitches at all? The construction is after all sub-standard.

Lord Vishnu: The Indians are wishful dreamers. They won’t notice a thing. And those who do, will be kept under the wraps by the human authorities. I do not think any more glitches will go down well with the rest of the world.

Lord Brahma: That settles it then. End of the meeting. Do pass on to the agents that there will be extra perks for them on smooth functioning of the games.