Vishwa-BAN-am

Okay, so I will come out clean right at the beginning. I have seen only three Kamal Haasan movies in my life-Chachi 420, Hey Ram and Hindustani. I did like them at the time, but not the way I like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or Star Wars now. This clarification was made to serve 2 purposes. One, I am not a raving Kamal Haasan fan who shall stand by him come what may. Second, that I admit I am not a movie expert (those self-professed experts who tell you which movie to see based on a highly complex and mysterious mathematical function).

So, this afternoon, just as I was going through the news, the reporter told that a PIL has been filed in the Madras High Court complaining about the recent Kamal Haasan movie Vishwaroopam hurting Christian feelings.

And I realized, this ought to be one of the biggest moments for Indian Cinema!

For, believe it or not, Kamal Haasan has accomplished the rare feat of making an out and out action movie that has managed to somehow hurt religious feelings of the two religions (which are generally seen at each others’ throats) that make roughly 55% of world population.

Personally, being a Hindu I feel a bit left out of the party. Let us hope that some enlightened Hindu organisation is able to find some flaw that ought to hurt my feelings. Then, that would make us a truly united and secular country. Isn’t that what reverse engineering is all about? If you can’t get secular by agreeing to each other, you find a way of agreeing to disagree with somebody else.

The most incredible thing about this episode is that the said film is not even a Historical drama (say about Shivaji and the Mughals), or about Christian missionaries, or about the many religious riots that have taken place in our country where there is ample scope of distorting or presenting an alternative view of history that may inevitably hurt someone.

No, nobody in this country is stupid enough to make a movie like that. That is why, unlike Hollywood which idolises history, both the good like Lincoln or the bad like the Holocaust, Indian children do not learn about their history from racy historical dramas; they learn how to flaunt their disturbing attitude from B-grade movies like Dabangg and Ready that end up getting 4 star reviews and a multitude of awards, while their imagination is ably restricted by katrina Kaif and Kareena Kapoor instead of effective Story telling, High quality animation or Science fiction.

No, because if somebody makes a movie about Akbar, Ashoka, or Mangal Pandey, we ought to step in and offer our expertise to right the wrong that has been done. Can’t Indians just sit quietly in their homes and not fret about what the neighbour or his distant relative might end up thinking when the movie portrays an opinion not shared by us? No, we ought to ban the stuff, coz we are an illiterate, aimless people that might end up in a theatre paying for a movie that we might not like. Or perhaps we didn’t like a movie and that’s why we wish to ensure we do not end up watching said movie again.

My point is, why keep up this hideous mask of secular, democratic, free thinking nation? With this attitude, does our country ought not to be compared to a state like Pakistan. At least they are so used to their negative portrayal throughout the world that they have stopped complaining. Did we hear people from Afghanistan, Pakistan, heck even the Taliban complaining about this movie? Afterall, from the trailers, it seems they are the guys being shot around in the movie.

My advice to Mr. Haasan is: By all means, go and live a better life in a First World country. If you are a good filmmaker, you will become incredibly famous, perhaps may even get a real Oscar. If not, there’s always the possibility of flinging a hundred bad guys (don’t mention their religion please) in the air single-handedly back in India. We seem to be kind of into that stuff. That doesn’t seem to hurt our sensibilities.

The year that wouldn't be—A Random Bumblings initiative

Another new year goes by. I suspect most of you celebrated the occasion with friends and family at some sort of a New Year party. Well, I was at my unadventurous best, writing this article. Before indulging in this exciting activity, I was watching the movie “Alice in Wonderland” on TV. In fact, against the usual meaning of adventure associated with trekking, climbing, traveling and such; during the course of a typical day for the last four years, running against time to catch the bus is as adventurous as my life ever gets. All this goes on to prove that the world is yet to come up with such an excuse for celebration that can force me out of my separatist ways.

Now, that we are done with the small talk, let me torture you with my absolutely sane and reasonable musings.

The year that wouldn't be (or would it, you can never be so sure these days):

• Manmohan Singh will lip sync to Sunny Deol's thunderous voice, in order to assure the country that he indeed is the boss and not a terrified pussy.

• In a sensational Wikileaks revelation, it will be reported and later confirmed by leading scientists of the world that black holes were actually experiments conducted jointly by the CIA and NASA in order to invent the ultimate shredder and save crucial national security documents from  the almighty and omniscient Assange. Obviously, the leaks will prove that the shredded information could be recreated, thus proving Stephen Hawking's long held belief.

• During a crucial trust vote in the parliament, several opposition MPs will bring bags full of onions as evidence of attempted “Horse-trading” by agents of the ruling party in return for their votes. This incident, better known as “the Oniongate” will catapult onions as a legitimate alternative to paper-based currency. In a related development, Pakistan will emerge as the market leader in the production of counterfeit onions.

• Rahul Gandhi will inadvertently sing “soft kitty” in response to a question from Arnab Goswami during a public debate. Arnab's subsequent emotional response to said song will give the expression “crying like a girl” a whole new meaning. This amazing “speech” will finally convince the world of Mr. Gandhi's unique and glorious vision of India.

• Said kitties, under the universal banner of “Kitties For Justice” will file a lawsuit against Rahul Gandhi for using their franchise for personal profit without obtaining the necessary copyright for the same.

• Arundhati Roy will stand up against the alleged torture and violence against said kitties as ordered by the government to “restrain” them. Senior Lawyer Ram Jethmalani will of course claim Rahul Gandhi as to be innocent, and accuse media of being biased and creating unnecessary hype over a case under trial. BJP will call for Rahul Gandhi's inexperience as a national leader and claim that singing “soft kitty” exhibits a lack of knowledge about Indian culture and disrespect towards the thousands of poems in Hindi and other local Indian languages.

• In a seemingly bizarre and dramatic turn of events, I will end up as President of the United States, and will finally succeed in my plan of world domination. As would later be found out, this event and the accompanying chaos that I unleash will be the catastrophe the Mayans had predicted, that will ultimately lead to worldwide destruction in 2012.

• At the end of the year, Digvijay Singh will opine that all the stuff as described above was somehow (based on certain mysterious conversations with the Muggle equivalents of “The Unspeakables” and as of now unavailable evidence) a conspiracy hatched by the RSS.

A desperate note to all the above mentioned celebrities:

Please don't sue me. I meant no disrespect. Honest :P (The last expression is only meant to reinforce my sincerity and “should not be misinterpreted” as to be pointing towards some other widely popular sms expression)

If you do sue me, I will blame all of it on the movie "Alice in Wonderland" and my favorite character "the Mad Hatter" that caused the insanity that I had been harboring deep inside myself to finally spill out into the open. 

I may also claim that my body has been infested by an eccentric alien who actually believes that all this is funny, but since it may be difficult to scientifically prove that without tearing me apart in an invasive, near fatal surgical procedure, I may not go forward with that course of action.

By the way, a very Happy New Year to all of you.

No more games in Delhi

After the recently concluded near-disaster that was the CWG games, the government has made up its mind to bid for other international sporting events too. The economic viability of such a decision notwithstanding, I am curious as to why New Delhi, the national capital gets to be the undisputed contender for hosting such large scale events within the country. First there were the Asian Games of 1982, then the Commonwealth games 2010. And now they are preparing to bid for the next Asian games and Olympics, again with Delhi as our representative.

First of all, we must understand the reason behind hosting such events. These events not only generate revenue in terms of tourism for the host nation, they also bring the country into the limelight for being able to manage such large-scale events. It is also a chance to modernise infrastructure of the host country by means of financing of major projects which leads to exponential growth in the reality sector of the host city. Also, since this infrastructure is permanent, it also serves the long term goal of better public amenities. Coupled with the tremendous scope for job generation in the days leading to and during these events, governments are naturally tempted to host such events. For example, the Beijing Olympics were seen as the rise of China as the next potential superpower with its imposing infrastructure and iconic stadia.

The above picture looks very rosy indeed, but things do not always work out the way planned. For example, It has long been stipulated that the continuing financial crisis in Greece has more to do with overspending of the country's feeble resources on the Athens Olympics. And far from showcasing India as a suitable destination for international investors and realtors alike, the CWG have only succeeded in reinforcing the image of a corrupt India. So these games need to be planned extremely carefully as they can have serous repercussions in the future.

Getting back to the point.

After the widely successful Beijing Olympics, China held the World Expo in Shanghai and plans to organise the Asian games in Guangzhou. They are giving each of their regions a chance at becoming international destinations, with modern and elegant infrastructure. If all the Indian government wants is to “cultivate sporting culture” in India, why can’t India be represented by cities like Bangalore, Ahmedabad, Pune, etc? Why does it always come down to the capital or the four over-crowded metros?

So, what is so attractive about Delhi that our decision makers are hell bent at organising every major event in the national capital? According to recent reports, the revenue expected by the organising committee at the end of the games was never met, while there were frequent cost overruns with corruption and scams galore. But perhaps that exactly is the reason why they do everything they do in the capital. It must be easier whisking away taxpayer's money from where it all ends up eventually(Sarcasm intended).

The Burden of Tradition and History...

A few days ago, while writing a shopping list in Hindi, I found out, not only have I degraded my calligraphy skills in Hindi (as if it were even possible in the first place), 6 years after I last wrote a sentence in Hindi in my board exams, I can barely write anything in my native language. My Hindi teacher at school had predicted this long ago. Of course, he meant it in a degrading manner. It is significant, that Hindi is the only Indian language I know of, so it is kind of scary that when the need arrives, I won't be able to communicate my ideas in writing through this language. Maybe, I am not a language person after all. It surprises even me that after having lived the whole of my life in Gujarat, I can barely speak Gujarati to this day, and can read it to a certain extent due to its proximity with Hindi.

But, during the same period, my English language skills have improved vastly. So, from where I see it, I have just evolved to get better connected to the Global community.

As the world gets even more globalized; tradition, heritage, and language will eventually become a burden passed on to the youth by their myopic elders. After all, India has more than 2500 years of history and culture; at some point we will have to let go of a few unnecessary things, get our culture in sync with the modern times. If we keep falling back on the excuse of conserving our age-old traditions, the Indian culture will stagnate overtime. Moreover, it is the open-minded questioning, and revolting attitude of the youth that can usher in new innovations both in science and life in general.

Why cling on to diversity and identity, when we all can unite under the umbrella of a global culture? Most of us here may not remember the song Vande Mataram, but if just a song were a yardstick of patriotism, then it would have been a cheap commodity. In an increasingly inter-connected world, we are required to know about the cultures and traditions of other countries too. So, it does seem selfish of our elders to make us remember and value all of their traditions in addition to everything else.

So, a day may come, when like Sanskrit, Hindi may also be lost at the altar of Globalization. It is also possible, that with our sheer numbers and hopefully strong economy we force a diminished version of Hinglish on the world. Either way, life and tradition as we know them now will definitely change over the course of our lives. That does not make us or our descendants any less "Indian" than the freedom fighters who fought for our independence. India, does not live in its languages and culture, it thrives inside its people and the spirit will always remain the same even if their mode of expression changes. That spirit is of humanity.

So, the next time you are degraded by the elders for alienating from the traditions, you can give a logical explanation, that of evolution. We have not forgotten the traditions, we just happen to know their latest evolved version.

Not so excited about Hockey...

When India won a hockey match against Pakistan recently, everyone was very gung-ho about hockey's renewed prospects in India. The news was everywhere on TV, people had started updating their status messages on facebook, orkut and the new Buzz.

Though I am not very expectant when it comes to news channels, even they had conjured Hockey experts out of nowhere! There were endless discussions about the state of Indian Hockey, how in spite of being the national game, it doesn't get the same eyeballs and the same enthusiasm as cricket. The anchors and TV experts alike proclaimed that this victory has signaled a new beginning for hockey in our country.

I hardly think so!

First of all, I would confess that I am perhaps the most anti-sports kind of guy you will ever come across. Not because I think that it is worthless, I am a hardcore cricket fan, but for me gaming and sports will always be a secondary activity, a hobby at the most. I am not fiercely competitive, so it is really difficult for me to get excited about any game. Add to that my priority about the well-being of my bones and limbs, the idea of playing even cricket with anything harder than a rubber ball is out of question.

I don't even understand the fuss about excelling in sports, getting Olympic medals, etc. I mean do we have any justification for starting a new programme for the development of sporting skills in the country, when we have a very high percentage of children dropping out of schools, and even those, who do complete their studies, are not good enough to be employed. Whenever, India performs miserably in some International games, everyone from media to politicians to eminent personalities, ask the same question "Why can't a country of a billion people not secure a single Gold medal?" I ask them, wouldn't it be better, if we educate these billion people to become good engineers and managers, and outsource them to those countries (like Australia) where people happily grow up to become sportsmen. Afterall, for all our investment on infrastructure and coaching, only 10-11 people who go on to become international sportsmen will have an actual chance to improve their lifestyle. I believe that sports can become a valid career option only in a financially secure society; otherwise, even the great Dhyan Chand was impoverished in his last days!

And lastly, I think that the golden days of hockey are long gone, now we should let this burden of history slip away from our already over-burdened shoulders and let future take its course.

Instead, we know we are very good at cricket, so we should go all out and publicize it in other countries, provide more options and opportunities to domestic cricketers. If we are not good at something, why lament about it, just publicize aggressively what we are good at. Make cricket so big that hockey dies a slow death elsewhere in the world too.

Note: This article has been betaed by agamemnon