And it rained Credit Cards!!!

If the people named in this article are in a vengeful mood, then I am in for a lot of trouble. May be they will file an FIR against me and get me arrested; May be that will lead to the media rallying behind me and making me a Hero of the masses. Then, I will be made the Indian Prime Minister. Then, in a crazy fit, I will become a Dark overlord...Mwahahaha!!! 

Don't mind my mindless musings...Read on...

Following the recent expose by IAC activist Arvind Kejriwal regarding the nexus behind accumulation of black money in Swiss banks, the Central Government came up yesterday with a bizarre scheme to check the circulation of black money.

The central government has decided to provide credit card swiping machines as part of a national strategy to integrate the poverty ridden masses and check the flow of black money in the economy.

In a press conference attended by senior UPA leaders Kapil Sibal and P. Chidambaram, the government announced the ambitious scheme. Mr. Chidambaram informed the assembled journalists that the move, the brain-child of Congress’s PM-in-waitng Rahul Gandhi, is aimed to curb the flow of black money in the economy and integrating the lakhs of beggars into the mainstream, besides decreasing the economy's fiscal deficit through taxes from the beggars. The Union minister claimed that in a recent government sponsored survey, it was found that begging, if seen as an organized industry employed the largest number of employees in the country with all transactions in black. The minister claimed that with this scheme the government could recover at least 45% of the black money circulating in the system.

However, political analysts and our sources in various political parties are of the opinion that the move may backfire since nobody likes being taxed more or being taxed at all.

Meanwhile, reactions from various political parties started pouring in by the end of the day.

The BJP spokesperson slammed the government for being insensitive over the issue of poverty by aiming to tax the already poverty-ridden masses.

Apart from the BJP central leadership, Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi, on campaign trail at a rally in Vadodara claimed that the real Black Money was stored in Madam Sonia’s lockers in Swiss Banks and not minuscule alms obtained by the beggars.

Within an hour of this statement, Information & Broadcasting Minister and Congress spokesperson Mr. Manish Tewari condemned Mr. Modi’s authoritarian attitude, comparing him to Hitler while Ex-cop Sanjiv Bhatt wrote a letter to Modi, asking him to apologise to the nation for the 2002 riots.

The CPM alleged that the UPA government was anti-people and this move by the government was at the behest of the US government in order to benefit their banking institutions and Credit card swiping machine manufacturers.

West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee slammed the government for its anti-people schemes and proposed yet another No confidence motion against the UPA in the Lok Sabha.

SP and BSP leaders Mulayam Singh Yadav and Mayawati threatened to withdraw their outside support from the government if it does not allow reservations for Minorities and Backward classes respectively in this scheme.

Meanwhile, MNS chief Raj Thackrey gave a new direction to the debate, alleging that the beggars hailing from Bihar will eat into the Marathi beggars’ share and challenged that either Marathi beggars should get preference in the allocation of the Credit card swiping machines or beggars from Bihar and other northern states shall be driven away from Mumbai.

Amidst the ensuing political controversy, this reporter had an opportunity to meet a recently upgraded beggar as part of the government’s pilot project before implementing the scheme nationwide. The Beggar, Mr. Ram Das enlightened this reporter about how any donation made to him being electronic in nature shall be exempt from taxation.

On being asked, if the scheme had empowered him or helped improve his and his family's condition, Mr. Das smiled and said,”Let us just say, that now I have to worry about investments and tax saving”.

The year that wouldn't be—A Random Bumblings initiative

Another new year goes by. I suspect most of you celebrated the occasion with friends and family at some sort of a New Year party. Well, I was at my unadventurous best, writing this article. Before indulging in this exciting activity, I was watching the movie “Alice in Wonderland” on TV. In fact, against the usual meaning of adventure associated with trekking, climbing, traveling and such; during the course of a typical day for the last four years, running against time to catch the bus is as adventurous as my life ever gets. All this goes on to prove that the world is yet to come up with such an excuse for celebration that can force me out of my separatist ways.

Now, that we are done with the small talk, let me torture you with my absolutely sane and reasonable musings.

The year that wouldn't be (or would it, you can never be so sure these days):

• Manmohan Singh will lip sync to Sunny Deol's thunderous voice, in order to assure the country that he indeed is the boss and not a terrified pussy.

• In a sensational Wikileaks revelation, it will be reported and later confirmed by leading scientists of the world that black holes were actually experiments conducted jointly by the CIA and NASA in order to invent the ultimate shredder and save crucial national security documents from  the almighty and omniscient Assange. Obviously, the leaks will prove that the shredded information could be recreated, thus proving Stephen Hawking's long held belief.

• During a crucial trust vote in the parliament, several opposition MPs will bring bags full of onions as evidence of attempted “Horse-trading” by agents of the ruling party in return for their votes. This incident, better known as “the Oniongate” will catapult onions as a legitimate alternative to paper-based currency. In a related development, Pakistan will emerge as the market leader in the production of counterfeit onions.

• Rahul Gandhi will inadvertently sing “soft kitty” in response to a question from Arnab Goswami during a public debate. Arnab's subsequent emotional response to said song will give the expression “crying like a girl” a whole new meaning. This amazing “speech” will finally convince the world of Mr. Gandhi's unique and glorious vision of India.

• Said kitties, under the universal banner of “Kitties For Justice” will file a lawsuit against Rahul Gandhi for using their franchise for personal profit without obtaining the necessary copyright for the same.

• Arundhati Roy will stand up against the alleged torture and violence against said kitties as ordered by the government to “restrain” them. Senior Lawyer Ram Jethmalani will of course claim Rahul Gandhi as to be innocent, and accuse media of being biased and creating unnecessary hype over a case under trial. BJP will call for Rahul Gandhi's inexperience as a national leader and claim that singing “soft kitty” exhibits a lack of knowledge about Indian culture and disrespect towards the thousands of poems in Hindi and other local Indian languages.

• In a seemingly bizarre and dramatic turn of events, I will end up as President of the United States, and will finally succeed in my plan of world domination. As would later be found out, this event and the accompanying chaos that I unleash will be the catastrophe the Mayans had predicted, that will ultimately lead to worldwide destruction in 2012.

• At the end of the year, Digvijay Singh will opine that all the stuff as described above was somehow (based on certain mysterious conversations with the Muggle equivalents of “The Unspeakables” and as of now unavailable evidence) a conspiracy hatched by the RSS.

A desperate note to all the above mentioned celebrities:

Please don't sue me. I meant no disrespect. Honest :P (The last expression is only meant to reinforce my sincerity and “should not be misinterpreted” as to be pointing towards some other widely popular sms expression)

If you do sue me, I will blame all of it on the movie "Alice in Wonderland" and my favorite character "the Mad Hatter" that caused the insanity that I had been harboring deep inside myself to finally spill out into the open. 

I may also claim that my body has been infested by an eccentric alien who actually believes that all this is funny, but since it may be difficult to scientifically prove that without tearing me apart in an invasive, near fatal surgical procedure, I may not go forward with that course of action.

By the way, a very Happy New Year to all of you.