Swiss account anyone???

The recent hoopla over recovery of black money stashed in swiss accounts, resulted in rather sinister musings in the megalomaniac brain of yours truly. What if I were to open an account at some Swiss bank when I start working??? Just the thought makes me daydream. A large chunk of my hard-earned money, that would have any way gone into the security of a "delicate kitten of a man"'s journey around the country just because he is "connected" to the country's self anointed first family, will be at my disposal !!! That's Rs. 40000, just for the second year that I will work as a trainee !!!

And why should I not do it? All the illiterate morons that pass off as the who's who of our parliament get to have them. And they steal billions of tax-payer's money in their accounts and most of them are now over 70 years ! I will still be an Engineering graduate fresh out of one of the topmost institutions in the country. If anyone is eligible to hold a swiss account, thats me !!!

I have done the math, it takes an average of about 20-25 years for the government agencies to find out, exactly who got away with stashing their ill-gotten money in swiss banks. Now, since mine will be hard-earned money, so logically speaking, the government must not care about whatever small change I end up hoodwinking from the Income Tax authorities.

So, I can assume to live at least 30 years of extravagant life away from the draconian tax laws; Thirty five if I am smart, and start living in a hostile country that doesn't have an extradition treaty, or if I manage to bribe a few important people. I would have lived away the better part of my life with a large amount of money at my disposal.

After I turn 65 or 70, even if the authorities catch up with me, it won't really matter. In fact, at that age, it would be better to languish in a comfy jail at tax payer's expense (I am counting on the government to retain its wasteful credentials, and instead of upgrading critical infrastructure, will end up making jails more hospitable under pressure from human rights groups). I might also get some Bollywood film-maker to document my life !

Man, this life holds so much promise !

After that much of wishful thinking, I come back to Earth...with a thud. There is no way that the Swiss bank authorities are going to open and maintain an account with that paltry an amount. Being an honest criminal won't do, like the Cadbury Bournville, you have to "earn" the right to get such a privilege. Also, it is a known fact that like the human eye, the "visual range" of the IT officials makes them blind only to those monies exceeding at least a billion dollars...

Argh...the misfortune of being a common man ...:(

Random Musing:

What if, taking cue from the politicians of our country, all the Indians started stashing away their hard-earned money in the swiss banks !!!

The Life Of Payoj Prime

Author's note: Though this post may reinforce your idea of an exponential rise in my insanity, I like to believe this as to be my evolution as a writer.

There is a theory that hypotheses the existence of an infinite number of parallel universes with different sets of realities as compared to your universe.

In another such universe from where I write, Payoj woke up in the morning in his compartment at 7:30 a.m. After getting ready for college, he stepped out of his Trome (a residential train), on to the 1547 Trabe ( a transitory train meant for transport and other time consuming activities like breakfast and gossip) waiting outside. He reached his daily spot and had breakfast with his friends. When the train reached his engineering institute, he along with his friends bundled out.

Payoj comes from a middle class background. That means his family can afford a few mid-sized compartments in a good trome. There are an average of 40 families living in a standard trome. Of course, my universe is not unaffected from the influences of power and money, so there are indeed people with sufficient wealth to own their own tromes and move about on their own whims, while the poor people who cannot afford the high rents and prices of upscale tromes live in government run temporary tromes with negligible personal space that are regularly filled beyond their capacities and are known breeding grounds of criminals in my universe.

You see unlike your universe, where man stopped being a nomad long ago, and started living in permanent buildings, in our universe, man' (to be pronounced as man prime) never really “settled down” at a single place. Instead of waking up, traveling to work, and coming back home, they preferred to rest while their “homes” did the traveling. So, in the morning their homes would drop them off to work and pick them up in the evening. This activity required a lot of horses working continuously in the beginning, but with advancement of technology, we today have a pretty effective system.

We have trains for almost any and every purpose, for which your people end up building permanent stationary structures. So, if one has to go shopping for vegetables and other household items, they just get out of their trome, board a crain ( a commercial train), do the shopping, and through a trabe ( a transitory train), get back to their trome. At one point our planners even flirted with the idea of completely doing away with permanent buildings except for industries and factories, but as it further complicated the already complex rail network, the design was phased out after only a few trials.

While my counterpart in your universe thinks of us as lazy creatures "who do not want to get out of their homes, and travel to work on their own", I believe that this is a pretty efficient arrangement, with people giving higher productivity and man’ hours, as a result of saving a lot of time in traveling. This arrangement also avoids losses of life in road accidents unlike your universe, and superior fuel economy, with our efficient low-on-fuel, transportation. This system also leaves us with large tracts of land with sufficient scope for massive industrialization, and if we are able to succeed in application of the the superconductor technology, needless to say, our world will be revolutionized. Still, I personally respect your world's rather tall and artistic buildings, though befuddled by your penchant for spending so much time traveling over large distances to and from work, when you could rest like us here.

Ah, it seems we have reached my trome, I must hurry, else I will have to take another trabe. Farewell.

The year that wouldn't be—A Random Bumblings initiative

Another new year goes by. I suspect most of you celebrated the occasion with friends and family at some sort of a New Year party. Well, I was at my unadventurous best, writing this article. Before indulging in this exciting activity, I was watching the movie “Alice in Wonderland” on TV. In fact, against the usual meaning of adventure associated with trekking, climbing, traveling and such; during the course of a typical day for the last four years, running against time to catch the bus is as adventurous as my life ever gets. All this goes on to prove that the world is yet to come up with such an excuse for celebration that can force me out of my separatist ways.

Now, that we are done with the small talk, let me torture you with my absolutely sane and reasonable musings.

The year that wouldn't be (or would it, you can never be so sure these days):

• Manmohan Singh will lip sync to Sunny Deol's thunderous voice, in order to assure the country that he indeed is the boss and not a terrified pussy.

• In a sensational Wikileaks revelation, it will be reported and later confirmed by leading scientists of the world that black holes were actually experiments conducted jointly by the CIA and NASA in order to invent the ultimate shredder and save crucial national security documents from  the almighty and omniscient Assange. Obviously, the leaks will prove that the shredded information could be recreated, thus proving Stephen Hawking's long held belief.

• During a crucial trust vote in the parliament, several opposition MPs will bring bags full of onions as evidence of attempted “Horse-trading” by agents of the ruling party in return for their votes. This incident, better known as “the Oniongate” will catapult onions as a legitimate alternative to paper-based currency. In a related development, Pakistan will emerge as the market leader in the production of counterfeit onions.

• Rahul Gandhi will inadvertently sing “soft kitty” in response to a question from Arnab Goswami during a public debate. Arnab's subsequent emotional response to said song will give the expression “crying like a girl” a whole new meaning. This amazing “speech” will finally convince the world of Mr. Gandhi's unique and glorious vision of India.

• Said kitties, under the universal banner of “Kitties For Justice” will file a lawsuit against Rahul Gandhi for using their franchise for personal profit without obtaining the necessary copyright for the same.

• Arundhati Roy will stand up against the alleged torture and violence against said kitties as ordered by the government to “restrain” them. Senior Lawyer Ram Jethmalani will of course claim Rahul Gandhi as to be innocent, and accuse media of being biased and creating unnecessary hype over a case under trial. BJP will call for Rahul Gandhi's inexperience as a national leader and claim that singing “soft kitty” exhibits a lack of knowledge about Indian culture and disrespect towards the thousands of poems in Hindi and other local Indian languages.

• In a seemingly bizarre and dramatic turn of events, I will end up as President of the United States, and will finally succeed in my plan of world domination. As would later be found out, this event and the accompanying chaos that I unleash will be the catastrophe the Mayans had predicted, that will ultimately lead to worldwide destruction in 2012.

• At the end of the year, Digvijay Singh will opine that all the stuff as described above was somehow (based on certain mysterious conversations with the Muggle equivalents of “The Unspeakables” and as of now unavailable evidence) a conspiracy hatched by the RSS.

A desperate note to all the above mentioned celebrities:

Please don't sue me. I meant no disrespect. Honest :P (The last expression is only meant to reinforce my sincerity and “should not be misinterpreted” as to be pointing towards some other widely popular sms expression)

If you do sue me, I will blame all of it on the movie "Alice in Wonderland" and my favorite character "the Mad Hatter" that caused the insanity that I had been harboring deep inside myself to finally spill out into the open. 

I may also claim that my body has been infested by an eccentric alien who actually believes that all this is funny, but since it may be difficult to scientifically prove that without tearing me apart in an invasive, near fatal surgical procedure, I may not go forward with that course of action.

By the way, a very Happy New Year to all of you.