Swiss account anyone???

The recent hoopla over recovery of black money stashed in swiss accounts, resulted in rather sinister musings in the megalomaniac brain of yours truly. What if I were to open an account at some Swiss bank when I start working??? Just the thought makes me daydream. A large chunk of my hard-earned money, that would have any way gone into the security of a "delicate kitten of a man"'s journey around the country just because he is "connected" to the country's self anointed first family, will be at my disposal !!! That's Rs. 40000, just for the second year that I will work as a trainee !!!

And why should I not do it? All the illiterate morons that pass off as the who's who of our parliament get to have them. And they steal billions of tax-payer's money in their accounts and most of them are now over 70 years ! I will still be an Engineering graduate fresh out of one of the topmost institutions in the country. If anyone is eligible to hold a swiss account, thats me !!!

I have done the math, it takes an average of about 20-25 years for the government agencies to find out, exactly who got away with stashing their ill-gotten money in swiss banks. Now, since mine will be hard-earned money, so logically speaking, the government must not care about whatever small change I end up hoodwinking from the Income Tax authorities.

So, I can assume to live at least 30 years of extravagant life away from the draconian tax laws; Thirty five if I am smart, and start living in a hostile country that doesn't have an extradition treaty, or if I manage to bribe a few important people. I would have lived away the better part of my life with a large amount of money at my disposal.

After I turn 65 or 70, even if the authorities catch up with me, it won't really matter. In fact, at that age, it would be better to languish in a comfy jail at tax payer's expense (I am counting on the government to retain its wasteful credentials, and instead of upgrading critical infrastructure, will end up making jails more hospitable under pressure from human rights groups). I might also get some Bollywood film-maker to document my life !

Man, this life holds so much promise !

After that much of wishful thinking, I come back to Earth...with a thud. There is no way that the Swiss bank authorities are going to open and maintain an account with that paltry an amount. Being an honest criminal won't do, like the Cadbury Bournville, you have to "earn" the right to get such a privilege. Also, it is a known fact that like the human eye, the "visual range" of the IT officials makes them blind only to those monies exceeding at least a billion dollars...

Argh...the misfortune of being a common man ...:(

Random Musing:

What if, taking cue from the politicians of our country, all the Indians started stashing away their hard-earned money in the swiss banks !!!

The Life Of Payoj Prime

Author's note: Though this post may reinforce your idea of an exponential rise in my insanity, I like to believe this as to be my evolution as a writer.

There is a theory that hypotheses the existence of an infinite number of parallel universes with different sets of realities as compared to your universe.

In another such universe from where I write, Payoj woke up in the morning in his compartment at 7:30 a.m. After getting ready for college, he stepped out of his Trome (a residential train), on to the 1547 Trabe ( a transitory train meant for transport and other time consuming activities like breakfast and gossip) waiting outside. He reached his daily spot and had breakfast with his friends. When the train reached his engineering institute, he along with his friends bundled out.

Payoj comes from a middle class background. That means his family can afford a few mid-sized compartments in a good trome. There are an average of 40 families living in a standard trome. Of course, my universe is not unaffected from the influences of power and money, so there are indeed people with sufficient wealth to own their own tromes and move about on their own whims, while the poor people who cannot afford the high rents and prices of upscale tromes live in government run temporary tromes with negligible personal space that are regularly filled beyond their capacities and are known breeding grounds of criminals in my universe.

You see unlike your universe, where man stopped being a nomad long ago, and started living in permanent buildings, in our universe, man' (to be pronounced as man prime) never really “settled down” at a single place. Instead of waking up, traveling to work, and coming back home, they preferred to rest while their “homes” did the traveling. So, in the morning their homes would drop them off to work and pick them up in the evening. This activity required a lot of horses working continuously in the beginning, but with advancement of technology, we today have a pretty effective system.

We have trains for almost any and every purpose, for which your people end up building permanent stationary structures. So, if one has to go shopping for vegetables and other household items, they just get out of their trome, board a crain ( a commercial train), do the shopping, and through a trabe ( a transitory train), get back to their trome. At one point our planners even flirted with the idea of completely doing away with permanent buildings except for industries and factories, but as it further complicated the already complex rail network, the design was phased out after only a few trials.

While my counterpart in your universe thinks of us as lazy creatures "who do not want to get out of their homes, and travel to work on their own", I believe that this is a pretty efficient arrangement, with people giving higher productivity and man’ hours, as a result of saving a lot of time in traveling. This arrangement also avoids losses of life in road accidents unlike your universe, and superior fuel economy, with our efficient low-on-fuel, transportation. This system also leaves us with large tracts of land with sufficient scope for massive industrialization, and if we are able to succeed in application of the the superconductor technology, needless to say, our world will be revolutionized. Still, I personally respect your world's rather tall and artistic buildings, though befuddled by your penchant for spending so much time traveling over large distances to and from work, when you could rest like us here.

Ah, it seems we have reached my trome, I must hurry, else I will have to take another trabe. Farewell.

The year that wouldn't be—A Random Bumblings initiative

Another new year goes by. I suspect most of you celebrated the occasion with friends and family at some sort of a New Year party. Well, I was at my unadventurous best, writing this article. Before indulging in this exciting activity, I was watching the movie “Alice in Wonderland” on TV. In fact, against the usual meaning of adventure associated with trekking, climbing, traveling and such; during the course of a typical day for the last four years, running against time to catch the bus is as adventurous as my life ever gets. All this goes on to prove that the world is yet to come up with such an excuse for celebration that can force me out of my separatist ways.

Now, that we are done with the small talk, let me torture you with my absolutely sane and reasonable musings.

The year that wouldn't be (or would it, you can never be so sure these days):

• Manmohan Singh will lip sync to Sunny Deol's thunderous voice, in order to assure the country that he indeed is the boss and not a terrified pussy.

• In a sensational Wikileaks revelation, it will be reported and later confirmed by leading scientists of the world that black holes were actually experiments conducted jointly by the CIA and NASA in order to invent the ultimate shredder and save crucial national security documents from  the almighty and omniscient Assange. Obviously, the leaks will prove that the shredded information could be recreated, thus proving Stephen Hawking's long held belief.

• During a crucial trust vote in the parliament, several opposition MPs will bring bags full of onions as evidence of attempted “Horse-trading” by agents of the ruling party in return for their votes. This incident, better known as “the Oniongate” will catapult onions as a legitimate alternative to paper-based currency. In a related development, Pakistan will emerge as the market leader in the production of counterfeit onions.

• Rahul Gandhi will inadvertently sing “soft kitty” in response to a question from Arnab Goswami during a public debate. Arnab's subsequent emotional response to said song will give the expression “crying like a girl” a whole new meaning. This amazing “speech” will finally convince the world of Mr. Gandhi's unique and glorious vision of India.

• Said kitties, under the universal banner of “Kitties For Justice” will file a lawsuit against Rahul Gandhi for using their franchise for personal profit without obtaining the necessary copyright for the same.

• Arundhati Roy will stand up against the alleged torture and violence against said kitties as ordered by the government to “restrain” them. Senior Lawyer Ram Jethmalani will of course claim Rahul Gandhi as to be innocent, and accuse media of being biased and creating unnecessary hype over a case under trial. BJP will call for Rahul Gandhi's inexperience as a national leader and claim that singing “soft kitty” exhibits a lack of knowledge about Indian culture and disrespect towards the thousands of poems in Hindi and other local Indian languages.

• In a seemingly bizarre and dramatic turn of events, I will end up as President of the United States, and will finally succeed in my plan of world domination. As would later be found out, this event and the accompanying chaos that I unleash will be the catastrophe the Mayans had predicted, that will ultimately lead to worldwide destruction in 2012.

• At the end of the year, Digvijay Singh will opine that all the stuff as described above was somehow (based on certain mysterious conversations with the Muggle equivalents of “The Unspeakables” and as of now unavailable evidence) a conspiracy hatched by the RSS.

A desperate note to all the above mentioned celebrities:

Please don't sue me. I meant no disrespect. Honest :P (The last expression is only meant to reinforce my sincerity and “should not be misinterpreted” as to be pointing towards some other widely popular sms expression)

If you do sue me, I will blame all of it on the movie "Alice in Wonderland" and my favorite character "the Mad Hatter" that caused the insanity that I had been harboring deep inside myself to finally spill out into the open. 

I may also claim that my body has been infested by an eccentric alien who actually believes that all this is funny, but since it may be difficult to scientifically prove that without tearing me apart in an invasive, near fatal surgical procedure, I may not go forward with that course of action.

By the way, a very Happy New Year to all of you.

Making "sense" of humor : It ain't funny

Some people are born funny, others have to work hard to make themselves seem funny to others. Unlike popular perception, I belong to the second category. I have developed this ability after exhaustive observation of people's reactions to various forms of humor.



It may seem to you that I am making unnecessary brouhaha over as light a topic as humor, but the truth is, while it is no rocket science, it is dangerous enough to cause wars. Humor is always at the expense of someone. If not thought through, it may as well be termed bullying. It should thus always be treated with extreme caution. Things can get very ugly, people though they may not express it, do get hurt deep down, so your safest target is your self.




The various nuances of Humor.

Let us see, if I can make you into a harmless funny person in a few simple lessons.



A friend recently asked me to tell a joke. I was at a loss. People should understand that I am just a situational humorist, not a stand-up comedian. The requirements of both are vastly different. While a situational humorist looks for humor in real-time day-to-day life, a comedian has more to deal with the presentation aspect as well as the occasion and decide on the type, length, and flow of the joke. So, the first lesson is, know what you are aiming for. You either memorize excellent jokes and present them or find little funny things in your daily life. Personally, I suck as a comedian.



If you want to be funny or humorous, you first need to be insightful; you need to anticipate what kind of humor works for a particular person, what works universally, and when you start getting good at it, people eventually start finding, rather looking for jokes in whatever you say or do.



Self deprecating humor: Self-criticism is the best and safest bet at humor. However, open-minded your audience may be, nothing serves their egos better than the feeling of apparent domination over anyone (in this case the humorist).

Another thing to be kept in mind with self criticism is that it should almost always be accompanied by a tongue-in-cheek reference to your apparent pride and happiness in said humor. This keeps your humor balanced and avoids reinforcement of your image as an evergreen crybaby.

This logic also holds while making fun at the expense of someone else. He/she should feel a smallest amount of pride from the humor and thus you avoid an extra person carrying a grudge against you.

For example, when I inadvertently tell you how a 7 year old trumped me in a verbal fight, or beat me up, I am not only making fun of myself having lost to a relative toddler, thus fueling your ego (in terms of strength, tact or assertiveness, really depends on the subject), but also, exhibiting maturity and patience, endearing personality traits that are universally appreciated.




Repetition is a very important aspect in humor. It creates a stereotype for the humorist that connects him to the audience by its recall factor. But one should be very careful while using a stereotype. When done rarely, it loses its recall value through which the subject connects with you, and if you fall back on it excessively, it will affect the innovation factor in your humor which will again adversely affect your popularity.




Brand of humor: I personally avoid adult references in my humor, but it really depends on the age group you mostly interact with. It also has to do with the personality that you exhibit. But my view is that, a few subtle references apart, one's "Humor Quotient" should be strong enough that you don't feel the need to fall back on the A-rated.


In a nutshell, I am very good at making very simple things into complex demons with large technical words and seemingly logical intricacies.

No, you picked the wrong nutshell !!!

What I mean to say is that if you are a standard wimp like I used to be, you will be better off as a methodical humorist. Though it is not difficult to be funny otherwise, what I have just illustrated is a safe and proven way. It really is a balancing act and an art. Finally, it is up to you if to you if you end up being rude or downright boring. Until then, enjoy your laughs !!!

Random Revisited

Welcome all to The All New Random Musings. As you must have noticed, I have backed up all the past posts (as well as your comments) in this new blog.



But what was the need for a new blog? Did I write something wrong in the previous one?



As a matter of fact I did. You see, over the past year I had shared my views on economy, politics, religion, science and life in general, but none of those articles justified my use of the term "dudiestdude" for the web address. It was merely a publicity stunt, one that had run out of its utility for a long time now. So, I present you with Payojism. A rather subtle title, compared to the downright "funky" dudiest dude.



Without further ado, Happy Reading!!!

Moving towards a Two Party Democracy

The past few weeks have been the most testing for the Indian polity since a very long time. With various central and state governments accused of corruption charges, Indian media has justifiably feasted on this "Scams Galore". However, the fact that has eluded the attention of many in this whirlwind, is the steady decline of the regional parties in India. This, above any other recent development may hold much more significance to India's future as a democracy as I shall to try to explain.

For the last two decades, the rise of regional parties in various major states like UP, Maharashtra, Bihar, Andhra Pradesh, Tamil Nadu has made coalition politics a necessity in the formation of both State and Central governments. Prominent among them have been BSP, SP, RJD, LJP, JD(U), DMK, AIADMK, Shiv Sena, and many others. The presence of these parties, though arose from the need for regional representation at the Indian parliament, has now lost significance, mostly due to their ineffectiveness in addressing their regions' problems. The problem lies here. They are neither too big like the Congress or the BJP to command equivalent funds from the corporates to fuel their national ambitions or expansions, nor are they small enough to be completely irrelevant. In a coalition, they slow down the decision making process, while, their comparatively short stature-ed ministers siphon off money, while they can (as a part of the coalition) hampering national interest in the process, as has amply been shown in case of Raja.

But recent developments seem promising. It is perhaps for the first time in the last two decades that most of the major regional parties seem to be at their weakest at the same time. With parties like SP routed in the 2009 Lok Sabha elections; RJD, LJP wiped out in the recent Bihar elections; DMK facing the same fate in Tamil Nadu, Shiv Sena already weak in Maharashtra after the rise of MNS; it seems the days of regional parties are numbered. If Mayawati loses the next elections in UP, it will serve as the final nail in the coffin of such parasitic parties. Such a scenario will not only ensure the blocking of funds from corporate houses to these parties, but also weakening of their influence. If the Congress and the BJP play right, they can effortlessly fill this power vacuum. By absorbing genuine leaders, they can check the smaller parties' influence, while strengthening their own ranks.

So, does that mean, an end to regional representation? Will it lead to undermining regional interests?

No. This will give us an opportunity to have corporate sponsored regional think-tanks which will act as lobbyists both at the center and within the two main parties. This will not only depoliticize regional interests but also bring "Lobbying" which is right now a shady business in our power corridors, in to the mainstream. This will make decision making immune to caste and religion based politics, and shift the focus towards the economy, job creation, inflation etc.

Above all, this will be the maturing of the Indian democracy, with two well defined Left and Right parties.

This may come as the first step to what I think will be a more productive and efficient governance system which can then be nudged towards Meritocracy. Read: An Alternate System of Governance: Meritocracy

A Monument to Secularity and Tolerance in Ayodhya

With all parties involved in the age old Ayodhya dispute preparing to lock horns in the Supreme Court, claiming the entire property as their own, it seems another generation of Indians will go along, fighting each other over the question of Temple or Mosque. Moreover, the possibility of the verdict going in the favor of a single community will only raise tensions and make matters worse. On the other hand, if the Supreme Court, like the Allahabad High Court gives a carefully balanced verdict after a long drawn-out war, with the scales tilting in the favor of no one in particular, the religious leaders will again be tempted to file fresh appeals. The country, in effect will be sucked into an endless cycle of apprehension and tension.

The religious leaders and the Central government alike must realise that a matter like Ayodhya, that borders more on faith than on actual land ownership, can not be solved in a court of law. What we need is a pragmatic shift in out attitude towards such disputes. I propose, a Monument to Secularity, on the disputed ground.

In the past, there have been many voices, suggesting construction of hospitals or universities in the disputed area, but I beg to differ. A hospital or a university can be built in any part of the country. We should not need the excuse of a long standing unresolvable dispute to build world class medical or educational facilities for our citizens. Building a hospital may solve the issue for good, as no one in their right mind will oppose it, but it would not do justice to the issue itself, over which thousands have lost their lives, and that has been in the Indian psyche for so many generations.

So, a monument to secularity, a modern temple of faith, that would simultaneously serve the purpose of inter-faith worship, as well as a museum depicting all the major religions of the world and their philosophies, yet displaying the vibrancy of our nation and the Tolerance and Mutual Respect among our people is what we need.

To further make my point, this will serve as a great PR exercise in reinforcing the Secular credentials of our country, besides propelling Ayodhya into a major tourist destination and helping boost the stagnant local economy. Additionally, Our country has not had an iconic structure built since the Lotus temple in Delhi. For too long have we been relying on the Taj Mahal, it is time that we move on to something new, that better describes India's character, and I think such a monument has the best chance of doing just that.